According to my last dated post, I have not blogged in 2 years. That's a fairly long time I'd say. Today, blogging seemed like the best way for me to compartmentalize my life at the moment. (I know, how dare she return only to vent...) Here goes : )
In the two years that I haven't blogged, I became closer to becoming Dr. Mika, I received my BA in May of 2013, and I will complete my MA in May of 2015. Time flies when you're having fun. In the mist of all of this, I have become much more content with myself but there is one thing I can't get over...my lack of familial support!
I am the youngest girl of my Mom's 3 children and the youngest girl of my Dad's 4 children. The first to complete college, but man I would say I've done it pretty much solo. Has there ever been a semester where I was low on tuition and called my Mom or Dad to pick up the slack? HELL NO. Has there been times when I was low on food and I called my mom, dad or sister, yea a few. This is how much education is supported in my family...in high school, my mom used my graduation dress money to help bail my brother out of jail...awesome right? tsk tsk. My Dad began to tell me about the trust funds he wanted to establish for my younger brother, niece and nephew...all the while I was barely eating some days. This all makes sense right? Being as though my Dad comes and goes and makes no effort to have a relationship with me, it has always been my Mother, Brother and Sister. These three people, I've worked my ass off to make proud, but I'm learning that it's a never ending battle...except my ass is done fighting:
My mom....
When I first started college, she was sooo excited (bragging rights), so excited that she told me she wanted me to focus on school and not work. Sounds good? I mean since I've been working starting at 14, and by 18 I was making enough to help support the both of us. So ok, no more for Mika....Yea that lasted not even a few months. When I would call her to ask for money for food or such, she would tell me how I needed a job and how she had bills, well no shit because I use to help pay them. Since that was short lived, I learned that I needed to take out more loans AND find a job. Done and Done.
Once I did that, there was a different need my mom had, which was to put all of her emotional and financial stress on little ole me. That's right! My mom and I were best friends at one point, so how would my fears of being the first to go to college outweigh her constant need to complain to me? This lasted all 4...OK 5 years of college but towards the end I became so much better at ignoring phone calls and telling her how inconsiderate she was. Fast forward, and things are different. She no longer calls me with her financial issues because I no longer feel the need to be in college AND paying my mom's bills. I no longer wanted her emotional baggage. I no longer wanted to be thought of as the strongest person....But I also don't have the best friend I used to have nor do we speak as much.
My Brother....
This Gem of a broken man. Man, when I was younger, he was my hero, he was superman and no one could break our bond. Except for a lack of growth. After fathering 3 sons(one who passed away) and a daughter, he has not been able to show them, the great man deepppppp within him that I know. Having to help financially support his kids, him and I have fallen out numerous times, because he's a um...yea. My brother would sometimes tell me he was proud of me, that he's glad my niece has me to look up to,welp recently he told me to kill myself....Why? Because I mentioned that he was repeating the same cycle like our Father,(to which he said hes not my dad anyway) and that my niece and nephews were suffering.
Rewind, He told me to Kill. Myself....The same day my niece and I made a promise to be BFF's forever(yes she's so adrobs). The same day I felt trapped, and stressed and overwhelmed with how I was going to help my niece's mom who is doing the best she can. He told me to Kill.Myself, never knowing how many times I contemplated this, or that I had a history of self harm. What he really told me, was that the devil was trying me and seeing me succeed was eating him up (the devil I mean). What he really told me was that my niece made me promise to be BFF's and I had to keep that promise to her. What he really said was that Tamika, you are worthy of all things filled with love so girl KILL the noise of anything else. He words also told me that he is very sick and that it is beyond my control...Let go, Let God...
My Sister.....
This is by far the hardest one to write because I would hate to offend her, but that's just the thing...I wake up on too many occasions and put others feelings before mine. The day after my brother and I had the Kill yourself convo, she texted me to ask me What I did to my brother to make him text her( Idk what he mentioned to her) I snapped and shot back thanks for checking on me. She knows my history of self harm, and she also knows he told me to kill myself. Although I was laughing when I told her (in the heat of making a good comeback via text to him), I WISH she would have inquired more, because if she had, she would have listen to me cry. She would have heard about how overwhelmed I have been, and because when you have a history of self harm, there's so many things that makes it compelling when you are stressed. But she didn't. So I snapped.
I sometimes(or always) feel like I'm walking on egg shells in order to spare her feelings, (right now I have a knot in my tummy thinking about how she is going to get pissed), but eventhough she knows how unsupported I feel by others, she does nothing to pick up the slack. Whatever.
All of this to say, all my life, I have only wanted to make three people proud of me. My mom, my brother and my sister. In doing so, I allowed their needs to overshadow mine. I've become so engrossed in what I could give to them, I never showed them what I needed. But they never inquired either....My biggest support system comes from the network of friends I have made in college. They know more about me than the three people I've wanted to make proud. Because I needed to speak a new way of living into existence, I wrote this. I guess this is my letter to myself on what is really happening, what I really feel....and how despite the fact that I haven't blogged in 2 years, I haven't expressed my true feelings in 24 years.
Moral of the story: My love is too unconditional, to be thrown in my face...#peaceout
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Monday, August 20, 2012
RANDOM!!
This maybe my first random post! Currently I'm waiting Love and Hip Hop ATL and the commercial for Basketball Wives LA comes on and Im like GRRR! Why do I entertain these poor depictions of women? I mean I psychoanalyze them while I'm watching so does that make it better? No it doesn't but it helps. I mean I do not and will not ever live the lifestyles they live (men wise) but its just sad at times....LITERALLY it makes me feel sad for women who do not love themselves therefore allow men to show then tainted ways of loving as well.
The End...I'll continue this someday
The End...I'll continue this someday
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Oh Ghandi!
I love quotes! "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians, your Christians are unlike your Christ"--Ghandi
As a person who struggles with religion, this quote means a lot. I am going to ramble my thoughts and keep it short. Recently I've concluded that this rings so true for me. My interpretation personally means that the religion as a whole is something that I believe in but those who follow it change it. I am more spiritual than religious, I have faults but I have a personal relationship with God that could be much stronger. I do not attend church regularly. I have associates who are practicing Christians and some I can say are "not like your Christ" I understand that everyone Sins and have things they are working on but I also feel that as someone who holds Religion so high in their life they should not be doing exactly what I am doing and they should be setting better examples. Then there are those who criticize people who are not practicing their religion in a ways that is demeaning.
Why do I not practice religion? I was raised in Baptist church most of my life but I have yet to study the bible I used to go to bible study way back when I was too immature to take it serious. Now I just do not feel a connection to a religion probably because I have yet to learn it fully. I also do not believe in some things that become mainstream and leads to people being mean and hurtful to others for instance homosexuality. Then again its not the religion its the people who practice it, yes it is a sin but people take things into their own hands and that can be sinful as well.
that is all.
Ps. I looked into becoming a Rasta but I never really looked deep into it. I have looked generally into other religions but I guess the one I grew up with is my comfort zone.
As a person who struggles with religion, this quote means a lot. I am going to ramble my thoughts and keep it short. Recently I've concluded that this rings so true for me. My interpretation personally means that the religion as a whole is something that I believe in but those who follow it change it. I am more spiritual than religious, I have faults but I have a personal relationship with God that could be much stronger. I do not attend church regularly. I have associates who are practicing Christians and some I can say are "not like your Christ" I understand that everyone Sins and have things they are working on but I also feel that as someone who holds Religion so high in their life they should not be doing exactly what I am doing and they should be setting better examples. Then there are those who criticize people who are not practicing their religion in a ways that is demeaning.
Why do I not practice religion? I was raised in Baptist church most of my life but I have yet to study the bible I used to go to bible study way back when I was too immature to take it serious. Now I just do not feel a connection to a religion probably because I have yet to learn it fully. I also do not believe in some things that become mainstream and leads to people being mean and hurtful to others for instance homosexuality. Then again its not the religion its the people who practice it, yes it is a sin but people take things into their own hands and that can be sinful as well.
that is all.
Ps. I looked into becoming a Rasta but I never really looked deep into it. I have looked generally into other religions but I guess the one I grew up with is my comfort zone.
My Black...is BEAUTIFUL
Before I go on a tangent I want to overview what I want to discuss
I find that African Americans in power may sometimes exploit us as well. Everything is not a fight, but how you present yourself in situations. Are there senseless killing of young african american men? YES, Is there racial profiling put into the execution of the stop and frisk law? HELL YES. Are there feelings of helplessness in urban areas yes there is. I say individuals do not know themselves to say that people do not make themselves aware of their rights or how their actions look to the legal world but call the good Rev. Al and they have this woe is me need for help. I can say that the way people portray the urban areas is not always true, yes life is a bit harder but the fight people put into racism as a whole they can put into their individual selves to make the whole better. Injustices do happen, so does racism BUT character has a place in this as well
Racism does exist. I find that in older people it is a bit worst, they still have the sour tastes of everything that has happened. African Americans have a tendency to point the finger at others but our grandmothers/fathers and great grands had words with venom in them sometimes about other races. Is that ok? Is that not racism? Because slavery and discrimination was done TO us does that mean we can feel how we feel and act nasty TOwards them now? Have I experienced racism, from stares to derogatory comments yes I have, did I yell scream and call Al Sharpton no I did not. That's whats expected of me. And all but once I insisted on asking questions for clarification. That can be a scary tool because then comes the comments you either do not want to hear OR the apology/ regret. It happens, just like it happens to other races as well, by African Americans, Whites who ever. I find that more younger people are open to integration I do have a friend whose grandmother is racist, but that woman has never done or said anything to me. She's always polite and welcoming. I'm not sure why. I treat her with respect and in return she does the same. If my friend would have never told me, I would have never known. Our generation is growing up being taught by people who were taught by people on how to treat others in every way. Racism will always be around, it is in every single culture/race but the overuse in the African American culture scares me because it will not lead to a change
There is White America, African American then ME. America does little to impress me and I feel that African Americans are so lost in trying to keep up that the one thing that we use to have that I adore has been lost. Culture and Tradition. Last summer I spent time in Cameroon and Ethiopia and I was impressed and disappointed. They still hold their traditions but I can see it being lost in the near future with the Western Cultural influences. Yesterday I've concluded that Bob Marley means more to me than Oprah and Obama. To me they are American icons and Bob Marley is more. His sense of culture captivates me. His identity and self image was amazing. I never wanted to be Oprah, she is too Americanized (lol) Obama is a politician and my gosh I dislike politics. The point is that I rather stick to self awareness, personal growth, and learning things about my culture so that I can touch individuals and not people in the masses.
Ignorance is ignorance. It gets you no where if you identify that there is something that you do not know, learn it. (except if its american politics, that gets a pass) People are so ignorant to life that they have no clue on what they are apart of. For instance, being loud, cursing, body language, that is associated with a particular person take that into corporate american and you do not get hired is that racism? No it is not, Its the fact that your characteristics do not match what is needed. Being at a prodomitely white college I see this so much. People stare at Blacks when they behave a certain way, it is not racism, its because for one many people are not used to that behavior, and two its confusing. Why is someone in college behaving like that? You have to alter your behavior for where you are. That is NOT selling out, the way I behave when I'm with my family is not the way I would behave at work or in an interview. Treat life as such. If you talk the same with your bestfriends when your excited about something and use the same vocabulary in your office at a corporate/professional job let me know!
Lastly my pet peeves:
- Racism and who speaks of it
- Individuals who do not know themselves but in a group can scream racism
- Older and young generations and effects on racism
- White American, Black America and ME
- Ignorance vs. culture
- My pet peeves
I find that African Americans in power may sometimes exploit us as well. Everything is not a fight, but how you present yourself in situations. Are there senseless killing of young african american men? YES, Is there racial profiling put into the execution of the stop and frisk law? HELL YES. Are there feelings of helplessness in urban areas yes there is. I say individuals do not know themselves to say that people do not make themselves aware of their rights or how their actions look to the legal world but call the good Rev. Al and they have this woe is me need for help. I can say that the way people portray the urban areas is not always true, yes life is a bit harder but the fight people put into racism as a whole they can put into their individual selves to make the whole better. Injustices do happen, so does racism BUT character has a place in this as well
Racism does exist. I find that in older people it is a bit worst, they still have the sour tastes of everything that has happened. African Americans have a tendency to point the finger at others but our grandmothers/fathers and great grands had words with venom in them sometimes about other races. Is that ok? Is that not racism? Because slavery and discrimination was done TO us does that mean we can feel how we feel and act nasty TOwards them now? Have I experienced racism, from stares to derogatory comments yes I have, did I yell scream and call Al Sharpton no I did not. That's whats expected of me. And all but once I insisted on asking questions for clarification. That can be a scary tool because then comes the comments you either do not want to hear OR the apology/ regret. It happens, just like it happens to other races as well, by African Americans, Whites who ever. I find that more younger people are open to integration I do have a friend whose grandmother is racist, but that woman has never done or said anything to me. She's always polite and welcoming. I'm not sure why. I treat her with respect and in return she does the same. If my friend would have never told me, I would have never known. Our generation is growing up being taught by people who were taught by people on how to treat others in every way. Racism will always be around, it is in every single culture/race but the overuse in the African American culture scares me because it will not lead to a change
There is White America, African American then ME. America does little to impress me and I feel that African Americans are so lost in trying to keep up that the one thing that we use to have that I adore has been lost. Culture and Tradition. Last summer I spent time in Cameroon and Ethiopia and I was impressed and disappointed. They still hold their traditions but I can see it being lost in the near future with the Western Cultural influences. Yesterday I've concluded that Bob Marley means more to me than Oprah and Obama. To me they are American icons and Bob Marley is more. His sense of culture captivates me. His identity and self image was amazing. I never wanted to be Oprah, she is too Americanized (lol) Obama is a politician and my gosh I dislike politics. The point is that I rather stick to self awareness, personal growth, and learning things about my culture so that I can touch individuals and not people in the masses.
Ignorance is ignorance. It gets you no where if you identify that there is something that you do not know, learn it. (except if its american politics, that gets a pass) People are so ignorant to life that they have no clue on what they are apart of. For instance, being loud, cursing, body language, that is associated with a particular person take that into corporate american and you do not get hired is that racism? No it is not, Its the fact that your characteristics do not match what is needed. Being at a prodomitely white college I see this so much. People stare at Blacks when they behave a certain way, it is not racism, its because for one many people are not used to that behavior, and two its confusing. Why is someone in college behaving like that? You have to alter your behavior for where you are. That is NOT selling out, the way I behave when I'm with my family is not the way I would behave at work or in an interview. Treat life as such. If you talk the same with your bestfriends when your excited about something and use the same vocabulary in your office at a corporate/professional job let me know!
Lastly my pet peeves:
- People using the word Nigga and being loud, that word actually offends people who are not Black! So watch when you say it if you must
- People in college who still act as if they are on the streets of North Philly chilln. Uh excuse me but you are not and so STOP
- People who are scared to discuss race and scared to speak up about it, this white girl in my class was actually scared to make a comment on the topic of blacks (she actually said it)
- People in general who try to place the blame for their shortcomings on racial issues get it together its 2012 College is doable!
- Black females who have no sense of self and exploit themselves!
Friday, July 27, 2012
Breaking down my own words.
Sometimes you have to breakdown completely so that you can get back up and be whole again.
I posted this on my facebook and it got a few likes where as I wanted to compartmentalize this and really find my meaning. I think I came up with this myself, but it may have been a quote I seen somewhere. So here we go.
"Sometimes you have to break down completely"---
I'll look at "sometimes" "you" "breaking down" and "completely",
When I say SOMETIMES, I mean not always (duh right?), sometimes its better to fight and sometimes its better to give up (thats another quote). You can not always be strong, take it from me it destroys your mental. You should not always try to fight, everything is not meant to be a fight although things that come easy are not as fun. When you sometimes allow for mishaps to happen and not question, you can maintain a power so magnificent that everyone does not have it.
YOU I wanted to look at you because I have a host of bestfriends, sorority sisters, awesome parents AND a mentor. Imagine never having to figure out things on your own, I technically dont have to because I have a support system that is thick. Sometimes....it is hard to not talk its hard to just figure out things myself especially with my mentor around! This woman has taught me so much that I find myself running to her for everything! Within the last year I've realized that I can not do that because she is not me. Sometimes you have to work with what YOU come up with.
BREAKING DOWN what is a break down? oh a good cry! lol breaking down is losing control, I prefer to do this in private or with my mentor (smile). Breaking down is establishing the roots to whats going on and whats triggering the feelings your having. Emotions have a way of building walls around even our own thoughts....Breakdown.
COMPLETELY--- Let go of it all, completely don't cry and wipe tears, let them fall without being ashamed. I know, I know everyone does not let go by crying. Write, scream or pray but when you do it make a complete commitment to letting the truth surface and not being so afraid of your own emotions
NEXT-"So that you can get back up and be whole again" focus words will be "back up" "whole" and "again"
BACK UP when you get back up dont use anything to hold onto, use only yourself Imagine falling down the stairs usually you use the banister to pull yourself up again, try not to. Don't hold onto anything, makes it a bit harder and more mental. You use your mind to get back up and more than likely you wont be all the way on balance you may have to regain your balance BUT when you look at what you just did...you'll be amazed.
WHOLE--- whole does not mean you will be back to where you were you will however be intact feelings,emotions and mood. If you had a break down and still feel negative feelings you didnt break down enough. Being whole is the best feeling if you've made it through a breakdown.
"AGAIN kind of follows being whole, again is the positive feeling you had before the breakdown and the mishaps. Again can be the most important part of this. Again can come to be negative or positive only because it can be confused. Let again only mean the positive, if you get back up in order to be whole again, you should determine what again is before you breakdown.
I posted this on my facebook and it got a few likes where as I wanted to compartmentalize this and really find my meaning. I think I came up with this myself, but it may have been a quote I seen somewhere. So here we go.
"Sometimes you have to break down completely"---
I'll look at "sometimes" "you" "breaking down" and "completely",
When I say SOMETIMES, I mean not always (duh right?), sometimes its better to fight and sometimes its better to give up (thats another quote). You can not always be strong, take it from me it destroys your mental. You should not always try to fight, everything is not meant to be a fight although things that come easy are not as fun. When you sometimes allow for mishaps to happen and not question, you can maintain a power so magnificent that everyone does not have it.
YOU I wanted to look at you because I have a host of bestfriends, sorority sisters, awesome parents AND a mentor. Imagine never having to figure out things on your own, I technically dont have to because I have a support system that is thick. Sometimes....it is hard to not talk its hard to just figure out things myself especially with my mentor around! This woman has taught me so much that I find myself running to her for everything! Within the last year I've realized that I can not do that because she is not me. Sometimes you have to work with what YOU come up with.
BREAKING DOWN what is a break down? oh a good cry! lol breaking down is losing control, I prefer to do this in private or with my mentor (smile). Breaking down is establishing the roots to whats going on and whats triggering the feelings your having. Emotions have a way of building walls around even our own thoughts....Breakdown.
COMPLETELY--- Let go of it all, completely don't cry and wipe tears, let them fall without being ashamed. I know, I know everyone does not let go by crying. Write, scream or pray but when you do it make a complete commitment to letting the truth surface and not being so afraid of your own emotions
NEXT-"So that you can get back up and be whole again" focus words will be "back up" "whole" and "again"
BACK UP when you get back up dont use anything to hold onto, use only yourself Imagine falling down the stairs usually you use the banister to pull yourself up again, try not to. Don't hold onto anything, makes it a bit harder and more mental. You use your mind to get back up and more than likely you wont be all the way on balance you may have to regain your balance BUT when you look at what you just did...you'll be amazed.
WHOLE--- whole does not mean you will be back to where you were you will however be intact feelings,emotions and mood. If you had a break down and still feel negative feelings you didnt break down enough. Being whole is the best feeling if you've made it through a breakdown.
"AGAIN kind of follows being whole, again is the positive feeling you had before the breakdown and the mishaps. Again can be the most important part of this. Again can come to be negative or positive only because it can be confused. Let again only mean the positive, if you get back up in order to be whole again, you should determine what again is before you breakdown.
What is this? A man you say? Lie to me again...hmp
Yesterday I talked about the sadness of the African American woman's power and strength as she's chasing behind the African American man....lets not let them off the hook. The depiction of the black man changed with music and time, culture and tradition. One of the biggest portrayals on men in the media is in the form of music(besides criminal activity), in a Black household music has always been an outlet. Of course women are scantily clad and nothing to be proud of but I want to focus on men.
What happened to our Grandfathers? Our great Uncles? who balanced time at work and time spent with children. Who were our heros and the men who gave our mothers (especially mine) stories for days about how great they were? Not to say they were perfect, but they gave you a smile everytime. My grandfather passed when i was 6 and I promise I still remember his smile and demeanor. After him, and my paternal grandfather I do not believe I've met younger men who are cooler. My father is awesome but I can see where the mold started to break.
Males today once they have children if they care enough (my observation) are left to teach themselves how to be men with the absence of a man in their lives it is hard. I can say that my brother father of two is only doing what he knows, but my niece and nephew do not lack love I can say that. Let's think, I am talking about men raised by our mothers in the age ranging from 30 on down. This is at a time when the baby boom was ending in 1964(to my knowledge) and my mother was born that year. The 4th child out of 5 and all of them became single parents. Out of the 5 children came 19 children10 are males out of 10 only 4 are with out a record and 5 without children with the oldest being 32.
All of that was to process what I grew up with, these are the guys growing up without fathers(2had) and into the men females my age are dating. These are the guys females have to chose from to marry. I grew up in the city, that definitely has some weight, I've also lived in a suburban area where the males there only wanted to be like the city guys. What is wrong with all of this?
Who do you blame? The lack of fathers who were already losing the structures of men presented by our grandfathers, but then again, my grandfather was only close with one of his five children and was separated from my grandmother, my other one remarried. Ahh! I'm thinking it started there, Grandfathers losing sight and therefore our fathers slowing breaking the molds, our brothers completely ill equipt and the new generation wont have a chance.Unless : The strength, determination, and all the other good qualities of the Black man are reconstructed.
P.S.S
In every situation there are excepts, there are males being raised by men to carry on as men....but that's not what I've been exposed to.
P.S.S
I meant to make this a general finding, but I've personalized it because I can : ) It's always best to speak of what you know!
Check out the pics #yum!
What happened to our Grandfathers? Our great Uncles? who balanced time at work and time spent with children. Who were our heros and the men who gave our mothers (especially mine) stories for days about how great they were? Not to say they were perfect, but they gave you a smile everytime. My grandfather passed when i was 6 and I promise I still remember his smile and demeanor. After him, and my paternal grandfather I do not believe I've met younger men who are cooler. My father is awesome but I can see where the mold started to break.
Males today once they have children if they care enough (my observation) are left to teach themselves how to be men with the absence of a man in their lives it is hard. I can say that my brother father of two is only doing what he knows, but my niece and nephew do not lack love I can say that. Let's think, I am talking about men raised by our mothers in the age ranging from 30 on down. This is at a time when the baby boom was ending in 1964(to my knowledge) and my mother was born that year. The 4th child out of 5 and all of them became single parents. Out of the 5 children came 19 children10 are males out of 10 only 4 are with out a record and 5 without children with the oldest being 32.
All of that was to process what I grew up with, these are the guys growing up without fathers(2had) and into the men females my age are dating. These are the guys females have to chose from to marry. I grew up in the city, that definitely has some weight, I've also lived in a suburban area where the males there only wanted to be like the city guys. What is wrong with all of this?
Who do you blame? The lack of fathers who were already losing the structures of men presented by our grandfathers, but then again, my grandfather was only close with one of his five children and was separated from my grandmother, my other one remarried. Ahh! I'm thinking it started there, Grandfathers losing sight and therefore our fathers slowing breaking the molds, our brothers completely ill equipt and the new generation wont have a chance.Unless : The strength, determination, and all the other good qualities of the Black man are reconstructed.
P.S.S
In every situation there are excepts, there are males being raised by men to carry on as men....but that's not what I've been exposed to.
P.S.S
I meant to make this a general finding, but I've personalized it because I can : ) It's always best to speak of what you know!
Check out the pics #yum!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I'm confused by the world more than I understand it
So, this afternoon I'm sitting home eating my yummy lunch, chicken breast with bread crumbs and veggies and watching The Parkers....I had an epiphany (used wrong) How is it that the Parkers are more than 10 years old and we get the same depiction of African American women and the dysfunction they have with men in these new series Love and Hip Hop both Atlanta and New York. Now I do watch these shows and I scream and holler at how ridiculous these women can be but are these true depictions? YES, sometimes. Is it sad? Of Course!
I'm having trouble with the fact that positivity is being overshadowed by these behaviors, but why am I upset...these behaviors are not false. Maybe I'm unsure of why these are the mainstream shows? Are there no more Cosby families? But then again how much could I relate to the Cosbys growing up, In all honesty I couldn't my family was not that perfect lol! I'm just so confused. Talking to my mentor she asked me what has changed in the last 10 years, I responded the amount of Blacks getting an education(thats a different blog topic) then paused and had to think...ummm. Yes a lot has changed but what has been noticed? I can not relate to any of these women, I can not believe that the strength of black women has declined so much because it does take strength to overcome stereotypical behaviors, dysfunctional relationships and maintain positive outlooks on life. These women are so negative, Granted Nikki Parker had wonderful spirits, but she allowed herself to chase after a man who degraded her whenever he could. Quick story before I end this with one of my favorite poems, Every woman I looked up to growing up has been hurt by a man, I've seen them change in so many ways, and lose so much. Some still harbor negative feelings towards men, and some still hold on to the relationship. My point is that I see more hurt in Black relationships than love. Why is the title love and hip hop, is this love? this does not represent love, not as I see it.
Which makes me question exactly why I entertain this.....Now the poem : )
On August 15, 1999, at 11:55 p.m.,
while struggling with the reality
of being a human instead of a myth,
the strong black woman passed away.
Medical sources say she died of natural causes,
but those who knew her know she died
from being silent when she should have been screaming,
milling when she should have been raging,
from being sick and not wanting anyone to know
because her pain might inconvenience them.
She died from an overdose
of other people clinging to her
when she didn’t even have energy for herself.
She died from loving men who didn’t love themselves
and could only offer her a crippled reflection.
She died from raising children alone
and for not being able to do a complete job.
She died from the lies her grandmother
told her mother and her mother told her
about life, men & racism.
She died from being sexually abused as a child
and having to take that truth
everywhere she went every day of her life,
exchanging the humiliation for guilt and back again.
She died from being battered
by someone who claimed to love her
and she allowed the battering to go on
to show she loved him too.
She died from asphyxiation,
coughing up blood from secrets
she kept trying to burn away
instead of allowing herself
the kind of nervous breakdown she was entitled to,
but only white girls could afford.
She died from being responsible,
because she was the last rung on the ladder
and there was no one under her she could dump on.
The strong black woman is dead.
She died from the multiple births
of children she never really wanted
but was forced to have
by the strangling morality of those around her.
She died from being a mother at 15
and a grandmother at 30 and an ancestor at 45.
She died from being dragged down
and sat upon by UN-evolved women posing as sisters.
She died from pretending
the life she was living
was a Kodak moment instead of a 20th century,
post-slavery nightmare!
She died from tolerating Mr. Pitiful,
just to have a man and the house.
She died from lack of orgasms
because she never learned
what made her body happy
and no one took the time to teach her
and sometimes, when she found arms
that were tender, she died
because they belonged to the same gender.
She died from sacrificing herself
for everybody and everything
when what she really wanted to do
was be a singer, a dancer, or some magnificent other.
She died from lies of omission
because she didn’t want
to bring the black man down.
She died from race memories
of being snatched and raped
and snatched and sold and snatched
and bred and snatched and
whipped and snatched and worked to death.
She died from tributes
from her counterparts
who should have been matching
her efforts instead of
showering her with
dead words and empty songs.
She died from myths
that would not allow her
to show weakness without
being chastised by the lazy and hazy.
She died from hiding her real feelings
until they became hard
and bitter enough to invade
her womb and breasts like angry tumors.
She died from always lifting something
from heavy boxes to refrigerators.
The strong black woman is dead.
She died from the punishments
received from being honest
about life, racism & men.
She died from being called a bitch
for being verbal,
a dyke for being assertive
and a whore for picking her own lovers.
She died from never being enough
of what men wanted,
or being too much for the men she wanted.
She died from being too black
and died again for not being black enough.
She died from castration
every time somebody thought
of her as only a woman,
or treated her like less than a man.
She died from being misinformed
about her mind, her body
and the extent of her royal capabilities.
She died from knees pressed too close together
because respect was never part
of the foreplay that was being shoved at her.
She died from loneliness in birthing rooms
and aloneness in abortion centers.
She died of shock in courtrooms
where she sat, alone,
watching her children being legally lynched.
She died in bathrooms
with her veins busting open
with self-hatred and neglect.
She died in her mind,
fighting life racism, & men,
while her body was carted away
and stashed in a human warehouse
for the spiritually mutilated.
And sometimes when she refused to die,
when she just refused to give in
she was killed by the lethal images
of blonde hair, blue eyes and flat butts,
rejected by the O.J.’s, the Quincy’s, & the Poitiers.
Sometimes, she was stomped to death
by racism and sexism, executed
by hi-tech ignorance
while she carried the family in her belly,
the community on her head,
and the race on her back!
The strong silent, talking black woman is dead!
Or is she still alive and kicking?
I know I am still here.
Laini Mataka
I'm having trouble with the fact that positivity is being overshadowed by these behaviors, but why am I upset...these behaviors are not false. Maybe I'm unsure of why these are the mainstream shows? Are there no more Cosby families? But then again how much could I relate to the Cosbys growing up, In all honesty I couldn't my family was not that perfect lol! I'm just so confused. Talking to my mentor she asked me what has changed in the last 10 years, I responded the amount of Blacks getting an education(thats a different blog topic) then paused and had to think...ummm. Yes a lot has changed but what has been noticed? I can not relate to any of these women, I can not believe that the strength of black women has declined so much because it does take strength to overcome stereotypical behaviors, dysfunctional relationships and maintain positive outlooks on life. These women are so negative, Granted Nikki Parker had wonderful spirits, but she allowed herself to chase after a man who degraded her whenever he could. Quick story before I end this with one of my favorite poems, Every woman I looked up to growing up has been hurt by a man, I've seen them change in so many ways, and lose so much. Some still harbor negative feelings towards men, and some still hold on to the relationship. My point is that I see more hurt in Black relationships than love. Why is the title love and hip hop, is this love? this does not represent love, not as I see it.
Which makes me question exactly why I entertain this.....Now the poem : )
THE STRONG BLACK WOMAN IS DEAD
The Strong Black Woman is Dead…On August 15, 1999, at 11:55 p.m.,
while struggling with the reality
of being a human instead of a myth,
the strong black woman passed away.
Medical sources say she died of natural causes,
but those who knew her know she died
from being silent when she should have been screaming,
milling when she should have been raging,
from being sick and not wanting anyone to know
because her pain might inconvenience them.
She died from an overdose
of other people clinging to her
when she didn’t even have energy for herself.
She died from loving men who didn’t love themselves
and could only offer her a crippled reflection.
She died from raising children alone
and for not being able to do a complete job.
She died from the lies her grandmother
told her mother and her mother told her
about life, men & racism.
She died from being sexually abused as a child
and having to take that truth
everywhere she went every day of her life,
exchanging the humiliation for guilt and back again.
She died from being battered
by someone who claimed to love her
and she allowed the battering to go on
to show she loved him too.
She died from asphyxiation,
coughing up blood from secrets
she kept trying to burn away
instead of allowing herself
the kind of nervous breakdown she was entitled to,
but only white girls could afford.
She died from being responsible,
because she was the last rung on the ladder
and there was no one under her she could dump on.
The strong black woman is dead.
She died from the multiple births
of children she never really wanted
but was forced to have
by the strangling morality of those around her.
She died from being a mother at 15
and a grandmother at 30 and an ancestor at 45.
She died from being dragged down
and sat upon by UN-evolved women posing as sisters.
She died from pretending
the life she was living
was a Kodak moment instead of a 20th century,
post-slavery nightmare!
She died from tolerating Mr. Pitiful,
just to have a man and the house.
She died from lack of orgasms
because she never learned
what made her body happy
and no one took the time to teach her
and sometimes, when she found arms
that were tender, she died
because they belonged to the same gender.
She died from sacrificing herself
for everybody and everything
when what she really wanted to do
was be a singer, a dancer, or some magnificent other.
She died from lies of omission
because she didn’t want
to bring the black man down.
She died from race memories
of being snatched and raped
and snatched and sold and snatched
and bred and snatched and
whipped and snatched and worked to death.
She died from tributes
from her counterparts
who should have been matching
her efforts instead of
showering her with
dead words and empty songs.
She died from myths
that would not allow her
to show weakness without
being chastised by the lazy and hazy.
She died from hiding her real feelings
until they became hard
and bitter enough to invade
her womb and breasts like angry tumors.
She died from always lifting something
from heavy boxes to refrigerators.
The strong black woman is dead.
She died from the punishments
received from being honest
about life, racism & men.
She died from being called a bitch
for being verbal,
a dyke for being assertive
and a whore for picking her own lovers.
She died from never being enough
of what men wanted,
or being too much for the men she wanted.
She died from being too black
and died again for not being black enough.
She died from castration
every time somebody thought
of her as only a woman,
or treated her like less than a man.
She died from being misinformed
about her mind, her body
and the extent of her royal capabilities.
She died from knees pressed too close together
because respect was never part
of the foreplay that was being shoved at her.
She died from loneliness in birthing rooms
and aloneness in abortion centers.
She died of shock in courtrooms
where she sat, alone,
watching her children being legally lynched.
She died in bathrooms
with her veins busting open
with self-hatred and neglect.
She died in her mind,
fighting life racism, & men,
while her body was carted away
and stashed in a human warehouse
for the spiritually mutilated.
And sometimes when she refused to die,
when she just refused to give in
she was killed by the lethal images
of blonde hair, blue eyes and flat butts,
rejected by the O.J.’s, the Quincy’s, & the Poitiers.
Sometimes, she was stomped to death
by racism and sexism, executed
by hi-tech ignorance
while she carried the family in her belly,
the community on her head,
and the race on her back!
The strong silent, talking black woman is dead!
Or is she still alive and kicking?
I know I am still here.
Laini Mataka
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Wisdom Does Not Always Come with Age
This morning I was conversing with an associate who is about 10 years older than me, I always find these conversations interesting because when we disagree her reasons are age, experience and wisdom in my case lack there of. The topic this morning was men. Disclaimer, when I find women with these ideologies, I associate it with bitterness and insecurity.After explaining something that was happening with a guy friend of mine she tells me :
1. To read Steve Harvey's book Think Like a Man
2. All men cheat
3.As long as it is not done in her face, then she does not care
4. I disagree with her because I am young, she is experienced and has wisdom...
Crazy right? First, she suggested the book because it would help me to understand men better, I disagree, the movie simply had the women change their behaviors. I do not feel that I need to think like a man in order to get, or keep one. If I thought like a man then this becomes a game. Recently, after seeing the disasters of a relationship from two people very close to me, I've concluded that you MUST love a person the way THEY want/need to be loved....Love is specific not general. For instance, all women do not need to be housewives in order to keep a man, look a certain way, talk or behave a certain way. (My opinion) Anywho, the thought of following the rules of thinking like a man will leave a woman attracting the sameee type of men! Brings me to her second statement....
All men cheat well has she been with all men? I find that women attract men with similar characteristics and then make them the examples of all men...that is the most unrealistic thing ever. Just like if you find men who are from the same area, background, or into similar hobbies, they may be conditioned to exemplify similar behaviors. It's not that all men cheat, I think it goes back to loving a man the way he wants, most women say well I cook, clean and give it up daily...well is that what he wants? or needs? did you forget he was stressed, has emotions, needs a listening ear? Of course you did because you were so busy thinking like a man right?
Next, women accepting a man cheating because he does not bring it home and still respects her enough to keep it outside of the household (she also mentioned wrapping it up and not bringing babies home) Is this the best that it gets? He comes home at night, provides and its OK to dip off on his lunch break to get some? I do not believe he has an ounce of respect. Of course he does not bring it to the home front, it would be the biggest argument and he would chance losing his consistent female...I am disgusted that a woman, who is not even married(no it does not make it better) and could lose this man today or tomorrow to the next woman(although it would not be a total lost) is accepting of this behavior. Times have changed, when family dynamics were much stronger and harder to fold women did accept this, but at a time when men/women are not in that same mindset, why would you accept this?
Lastly she insulted yes insulted my intelligence due to my age. I would not say its because of lack of experience, everything mentioned above I would never be ok with. I have been cheated on once, and out of all the guys I dated(the number is not as high as it sounds lol) he was the one who was different from what I usually went for. I lack wisdom well some women in their 60's are just as naive as 13 year olds, yes a person who has learned from adversity, been around and LIVED the wisdom they have I can only hope i'll have someday but right now, I know I am wise in my choices and the way I behave(for the most part). I strongly dislike when anyone says that due to my age I can not understand something. I CHASE knowledge, and I pass on what I learn, I try to get as many views as I can, I love diversity and so forth, I can say when we just do not agree and leave it at that. Yes all of this has been tested recently but I understand now. To be quite honest, if her views are the ones that seperate myself and wisdom then I am very thankful and blessed. : )
Although that sounds like I am insulting her, I am not. I understand WHY women have these ideologies, mine is just different.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Self Reflections are always needed
Something that has newly surfaced that has me feeling indifferent are emotions. We all have them but how many actually deal with them?. This post maybe long being as though I have a lot to say about this that I am unclear about. I won't touch everything I want to in this post, so more will follow soon enough.
In October of last year, I was in a car accident that left a man on a motorcycle dead. His life was ended the day mine, my two cousins and friend's life was spared. During the accident I was stuck in the car and had to be cut out. The man lay on the ground screaming derogatory things to my friend who was the driver. *Sidenote...My friend was found at fault but this is an area where a lot of accidents occur and thats another story*. As the man lay on the ground yelling, with people attempting to help him, one man asked what was my physical pain. Being cut out of a car, restrained, not being able to help my cousins who looked so lost and confused...all emotions I havent processed until recently. Watching my friend, who I just met less than a month ago look so lost, regretful, apologetic., and I could do nothing. I used my words, the only strength I had at that moment. I yelled back at him, cursed...let all of my frustrations out on him. Fast forward to the hospital and my friend's face, afraid, scared and again I could do nothing. I didnt allow them to do xrays...I wanted and needed to leave.
That night, I couldn't sleep, I think I was with my friend. Nights to follow I was with him, up late. Eventually I was check out and began treatment for physical therapy. During this time I encountered a doctor who allowed the fact that people are frauds to blur how he talked to and treated me. This man basically treated me as if I was faking injuries to get money. Never considering my character. I had to drop classes, and the biggest hurt I experienced was a time when I was playing with my niece tossing her in the air and had to stop due to back pain. As of late I've been told it is because of my weight (this doctor says) and referrred to a nutritionist. More than once I walked out of his office in tears. I was incapiable of daily activities and you say its because I'm "overweight", "fat" and do not meet the standards of the AMA?
During the past 8 months I've gained weight, and experienced signs of depression. Before 2 months ago, I'd never believe I was/am depressed, I was "happy" these so called friends think, but the one who mattered, he also didnt understand how I would complain some days about being tired and it was connected to staying up with him and trying to be there for him etc. In doing this, I never looked at myself and how I felt, or even my cousins. Until 2months ago, I didn't ask how they felt, do they think about it or if it has hurt them and in what ways.
In a nutshell, this has been trying, the images of the man, the flash backs of the event, the over eating, the doctor, my limited physical capabilities,my social obligations, and most importantly my EMOTIONS. Months, and I haven't COMPARTMENTALIZED! Months of build up and not talking about how I felt. Months of being offended silently when someone made comments regarding the accident or what I couldn't do, Months of the tears that only few people knew about and hiding. When you hide from your emotions, you hide from the truth and may unconsciously hinder yourself. All of this to say, that the Mika everyone depended on for support, BROKE DOWN.
After really taking all of this in, I spoke with my mentor. I let her know that I was confused and upset. I always deal with my emotions accordingly but this time I can't get that grip. I can not come down off the self induced emotionally unstable high. I can't. Or so I thought. So I've concluded that I am that work in progress, and the best fall down. But as I'm getting up I also notice.... A lot of people do nothing to permanently deal with their emotions, they are upset one minute then "get over it" without closure. And that is a silent killer, because when "getting over it" is not so easy....you fall hard, you fall and can not get up with the help of even your best friend. Some call it depression, I call it a learning experience like no other.
In October of last year, I was in a car accident that left a man on a motorcycle dead. His life was ended the day mine, my two cousins and friend's life was spared. During the accident I was stuck in the car and had to be cut out. The man lay on the ground screaming derogatory things to my friend who was the driver. *Sidenote...My friend was found at fault but this is an area where a lot of accidents occur and thats another story*. As the man lay on the ground yelling, with people attempting to help him, one man asked what was my physical pain. Being cut out of a car, restrained, not being able to help my cousins who looked so lost and confused...all emotions I havent processed until recently. Watching my friend, who I just met less than a month ago look so lost, regretful, apologetic., and I could do nothing. I used my words, the only strength I had at that moment. I yelled back at him, cursed...let all of my frustrations out on him. Fast forward to the hospital and my friend's face, afraid, scared and again I could do nothing. I didnt allow them to do xrays...I wanted and needed to leave.
That night, I couldn't sleep, I think I was with my friend. Nights to follow I was with him, up late. Eventually I was check out and began treatment for physical therapy. During this time I encountered a doctor who allowed the fact that people are frauds to blur how he talked to and treated me. This man basically treated me as if I was faking injuries to get money. Never considering my character. I had to drop classes, and the biggest hurt I experienced was a time when I was playing with my niece tossing her in the air and had to stop due to back pain. As of late I've been told it is because of my weight (this doctor says) and referrred to a nutritionist. More than once I walked out of his office in tears. I was incapiable of daily activities and you say its because I'm "overweight", "fat" and do not meet the standards of the AMA?
During the past 8 months I've gained weight, and experienced signs of depression. Before 2 months ago, I'd never believe I was/am depressed, I was "happy" these so called friends think, but the one who mattered, he also didnt understand how I would complain some days about being tired and it was connected to staying up with him and trying to be there for him etc. In doing this, I never looked at myself and how I felt, or even my cousins. Until 2months ago, I didn't ask how they felt, do they think about it or if it has hurt them and in what ways.
In a nutshell, this has been trying, the images of the man, the flash backs of the event, the over eating, the doctor, my limited physical capabilities,my social obligations, and most importantly my EMOTIONS. Months, and I haven't COMPARTMENTALIZED! Months of build up and not talking about how I felt. Months of being offended silently when someone made comments regarding the accident or what I couldn't do, Months of the tears that only few people knew about and hiding. When you hide from your emotions, you hide from the truth and may unconsciously hinder yourself. All of this to say, that the Mika everyone depended on for support, BROKE DOWN.
After really taking all of this in, I spoke with my mentor. I let her know that I was confused and upset. I always deal with my emotions accordingly but this time I can't get that grip. I can not come down off the self induced emotionally unstable high. I can't. Or so I thought. So I've concluded that I am that work in progress, and the best fall down. But as I'm getting up I also notice.... A lot of people do nothing to permanently deal with their emotions, they are upset one minute then "get over it" without closure. And that is a silent killer, because when "getting over it" is not so easy....you fall hard, you fall and can not get up with the help of even your best friend. Some call it depression, I call it a learning experience like no other.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Life as me.
I haven't been posting much...what else is new?
These past few months have been amazing, even now as I sit here home from work,have sick physically half mentally drained, I can say life is grand. There's never a dull moment in my life,thats for sure and I take every moment for what it is,or at least I try to. What have I been up to? Finished another semester now in my junior year and switching my major, studied abroad in Africa and it was phenom!, learned some truths about myself and others,and remained my contradictory self.
First topic, COLLEGE!
Oh how I love it! My room mate and I survived a semester without losing our 12+ years of friendship and thats a blessing!*tongue out* to those who said we'd dislike each other after living together. This semester I met a lot of interesting people, during school time and abroad. Some I can live with,others I rather live without. In the mist of me meeting people, I ALWAYS learn something about myself! Mostly something to help me,sometimes a reality to keep me grounded. Fact...I love being in school,I love meeting strange people and I love living in my own apartment! yay! Oh one thing I haven't met is a guy who can keep my attention, its hilar, these guys at my school think your suppose to fall all over them because their college boys...um sir. no! I would say the search is still on, but I've never started....that brings me to my next topic
MEN...LOVE...NOTHING lmao! I am so not looking,not interested or anything. Its time consuming,schedule conflicting and so forth...NEXT...
I am such an awesome person, that I get along better by myself lmao! Really....I meet so many people, but as soon as we start to engage in conversation...I'm like B>Y>E. ok,ok...maybe its me, maybe I don't give people a chance,maybe I'm too harsh on folks, maybe,maybe,maybe....FACT people are ignorant(used properly),naive,disrespectful, stuck in their ways and immature. I have little to no tolerance for it, hence why I have way more associates than friends....enough people bashing....NEXT
ME!!!!! Tamika/Dr.Mika
I know where I came from, but the visual is blurry....*Contradiction* Granted I am on a quest to greatness but this road is one h*** of a path. I have found myself OVER mostly everyone of my past, unable to hold conversations with them, just simple things. Sometimes it confuses me because I know this is apart of growth,but it still confuses me. Anyway
Gotta run...literally before it rains *i'll be back*
These past few months have been amazing, even now as I sit here home from work,have sick physically half mentally drained, I can say life is grand. There's never a dull moment in my life,thats for sure and I take every moment for what it is,or at least I try to. What have I been up to? Finished another semester now in my junior year and switching my major, studied abroad in Africa and it was phenom!, learned some truths about myself and others,and remained my contradictory self.
First topic, COLLEGE!
Oh how I love it! My room mate and I survived a semester without losing our 12+ years of friendship and thats a blessing!*tongue out* to those who said we'd dislike each other after living together. This semester I met a lot of interesting people, during school time and abroad. Some I can live with,others I rather live without. In the mist of me meeting people, I ALWAYS learn something about myself! Mostly something to help me,sometimes a reality to keep me grounded. Fact...I love being in school,I love meeting strange people and I love living in my own apartment! yay! Oh one thing I haven't met is a guy who can keep my attention, its hilar, these guys at my school think your suppose to fall all over them because their college boys...um sir. no! I would say the search is still on, but I've never started....that brings me to my next topic
MEN...LOVE...NOTHING lmao! I am so not looking,not interested or anything. Its time consuming,schedule conflicting and so forth...NEXT...
I am such an awesome person, that I get along better by myself lmao! Really....I meet so many people, but as soon as we start to engage in conversation...I'm like B>Y>E. ok,ok...maybe its me, maybe I don't give people a chance,maybe I'm too harsh on folks, maybe,maybe,maybe....FACT people are ignorant(used properly),naive,disrespectful, stuck in their ways and immature. I have little to no tolerance for it, hence why I have way more associates than friends....enough people bashing....NEXT
ME!!!!! Tamika/Dr.Mika
I know where I came from, but the visual is blurry....*Contradiction* Granted I am on a quest to greatness but this road is one h*** of a path. I have found myself OVER mostly everyone of my past, unable to hold conversations with them, just simple things. Sometimes it confuses me because I know this is apart of growth,but it still confuses me. Anyway
Gotta run...literally before it rains *i'll be back*
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Nothing is different that stays the same.
Theory: I attract losers : )
I was not going to blog about this, but my bestie thinks I should so here goes.....
This is about the guy from my post "you get the buddy and the booty"....I told myself I would not give him a chance I did go back on my word. Imagine someone who takes you to this spot, where nothing matters but me. I cherished the time I spent with him, every second. There were times when he would sense me being upset over text and just say do you want to go to the spot? This he did as a friend. We shared dreams, confusion and our thoughts for the moment. In all of that I let it slide the many time "us" was brought up in conversation. I mean we first started off as speaking from him trying to "holla" so why wouldn't this come up? But it was something that just wasn't there that would make me want to be with him. His ability to have me take down that guard down overshadowed so many other things. I tend to keep my feelings so close to me when it comes to men, when I feel comfortable enough to share my feelings sincerely with a guy I think that overshadows other aspects of the relationship. This case being a true example.
He was against a lot of things I talked about and truly am connected to,one being adoption, he even said to me at age 20 waiting for a child was not something he wanted to do. A child is far from my mind right now. Sometimes he would 'brag' about the things he does, money does not matter to me in a relationship. Who wants a man who is not attempting to do something meaningful? Work ethic matters more than money, so when he said he was starting a business instead of finishing school, I tried to encourage him,as a friend... When he was complaining about how much he had to work, I only asked once well why didn't you finish college? When he bragged about the vehicle he drives I sat quiet unless he took it overboard.
We started "dating" in November after a night of conversation and mixed emotions. I felt that I was "in" love with him, when I only confused that with loneliness and loving him as a friend. While at school someone I was working closely with showed me attention that made me realize that I was not in love with this guy. Needless to say, I ended it. Since then we continue to talk.
My reason for this post, me finding out that he's having a child. :blank stare:
Did he flat out tell me? NO! I seen something about a baby registry on his Instant messenger and asked him about it. His reason for not telling me? He found out a month ago and didn't know how to tell me? LOL! I wished him luck. What more is there to do or say? I did say that the fact that he did not tell me made me feel some type of way, he found out when we were "together" so why did I find out tonight? And all of this over Instant Messenger I don't get a call?
The things that's keeping him around are memories but with all the foulness that he's been doing....the memories are fading! Glad I ended things..
Dr.Mika
I'm unable to let go of my past, I have been back and forth with my boyfriend's from childhood or keep the same guys around. Apart of me STILL wants to keep him around. I have to separate myself but honestly I don't want to... Last night in Church I said I would put everything in God's hands, Its beyond what I want now...
Not to end this sadly, I have been IN love before,and I know the feeling...as well as what I want so I'm good <3
I was not going to blog about this, but my bestie thinks I should so here goes.....
This is about the guy from my post "you get the buddy and the booty"....I told myself I would not give him a chance I did go back on my word. Imagine someone who takes you to this spot, where nothing matters but me. I cherished the time I spent with him, every second. There were times when he would sense me being upset over text and just say do you want to go to the spot? This he did as a friend. We shared dreams, confusion and our thoughts for the moment. In all of that I let it slide the many time "us" was brought up in conversation. I mean we first started off as speaking from him trying to "holla" so why wouldn't this come up? But it was something that just wasn't there that would make me want to be with him. His ability to have me take down that guard down overshadowed so many other things. I tend to keep my feelings so close to me when it comes to men, when I feel comfortable enough to share my feelings sincerely with a guy I think that overshadows other aspects of the relationship. This case being a true example.
He was against a lot of things I talked about and truly am connected to,one being adoption, he even said to me at age 20 waiting for a child was not something he wanted to do. A child is far from my mind right now. Sometimes he would 'brag' about the things he does, money does not matter to me in a relationship. Who wants a man who is not attempting to do something meaningful? Work ethic matters more than money, so when he said he was starting a business instead of finishing school, I tried to encourage him,as a friend... When he was complaining about how much he had to work, I only asked once well why didn't you finish college? When he bragged about the vehicle he drives I sat quiet unless he took it overboard.
We started "dating" in November after a night of conversation and mixed emotions. I felt that I was "in" love with him, when I only confused that with loneliness and loving him as a friend. While at school someone I was working closely with showed me attention that made me realize that I was not in love with this guy. Needless to say, I ended it. Since then we continue to talk.
My reason for this post, me finding out that he's having a child. :blank stare:
Did he flat out tell me? NO! I seen something about a baby registry on his Instant messenger and asked him about it. His reason for not telling me? He found out a month ago and didn't know how to tell me? LOL! I wished him luck. What more is there to do or say? I did say that the fact that he did not tell me made me feel some type of way, he found out when we were "together" so why did I find out tonight? And all of this over Instant Messenger I don't get a call?
The things that's keeping him around are memories but with all the foulness that he's been doing....the memories are fading! Glad I ended things..
Dr.Mika
I'm unable to let go of my past, I have been back and forth with my boyfriend's from childhood or keep the same guys around. Apart of me STILL wants to keep him around. I have to separate myself but honestly I don't want to... Last night in Church I said I would put everything in God's hands, Its beyond what I want now...
Not to end this sadly, I have been IN love before,and I know the feeling...as well as what I want so I'm good <3
Friday, December 24, 2010
First I must say that its hard to sit and write everyday, and my post are becoming further and further apart. *sad face*
http://www.retro-housewife.com/images/holiday/christmas/1940/1945-christmas-spells-happiness.jpg
THEORY: Change is NOT always good...
Today is Christmas Eve and I'm not feeling it! What happened to the cheerfulness, the smiles, the family time and the season of joy. Its not the same at all. I went out today and just wanted to scream to everyone BE HAPPY,SMILE. Facebook was no better, today was still miserable for some. Although I passed up a family holiday party, there was not much to remind me that tomorrow is Christmas....Of course I was with other family members all day,but we do this regularly. Is it because I'm no longer a child? Even the children I passed and know don't seem to excited. What does this mean?
When I was younger, my Christmas spirit started right after Thanksgiving with simply putting up the Christmas tree. From then on, something was done almost daily to prepare for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Putting more candy canes up, making some type of cookie, writing out cards, watching a movie, wearing the hats. It was just something to remind us of those special days to come. I want to say the excitement wasn't all about the gifts...that was a big part, but my mom just made it so much more! I feel old saying times are changing, but its reality....a harsh one. In a few more years,what will Christmas be like? Of course no one can steal your joy and holiday spirit...let me rephrase that, you should let anyone steal your joy or holiday spirit. IT WON'T EVEN SNOW! Gosh!......If you do nothing else, during this time try and bring a smile to another persons face,put differences aside, spend time with family....
oh how I miss my childhood, but my hopes are still high that the spirit will return, I just wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS and to just enjoy themselves....if only for one day....most importantly remember WHY we are celebrating : )
As I end this, my mom calls me to help make peanut butter cookies from scratch : )
Be safe and enjoy--Dr.Mika
http://www.retro-housewife.com/images/holiday/christmas/1940/1945-christmas-spells-happiness.jpgTHEORY: Change is NOT always good...
Today is Christmas Eve and I'm not feeling it! What happened to the cheerfulness, the smiles, the family time and the season of joy. Its not the same at all. I went out today and just wanted to scream to everyone BE HAPPY,SMILE. Facebook was no better, today was still miserable for some. Although I passed up a family holiday party, there was not much to remind me that tomorrow is Christmas....Of course I was with other family members all day,but we do this regularly. Is it because I'm no longer a child? Even the children I passed and know don't seem to excited. What does this mean?
When I was younger, my Christmas spirit started right after Thanksgiving with simply putting up the Christmas tree. From then on, something was done almost daily to prepare for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Putting more candy canes up, making some type of cookie, writing out cards, watching a movie, wearing the hats. It was just something to remind us of those special days to come. I want to say the excitement wasn't all about the gifts...that was a big part, but my mom just made it so much more! I feel old saying times are changing, but its reality....a harsh one. In a few more years,what will Christmas be like? Of course no one can steal your joy and holiday spirit...let me rephrase that, you should let anyone steal your joy or holiday spirit. IT WON'T EVEN SNOW! Gosh!......If you do nothing else, during this time try and bring a smile to another persons face,put differences aside, spend time with family....
oh how I miss my childhood, but my hopes are still high that the spirit will return, I just wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS and to just enjoy themselves....if only for one day....most importantly remember WHY we are celebrating : )
As I end this, my mom calls me to help make peanut butter cookies from scratch : )
Be safe and enjoy--Dr.Mika
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A long time coming....
Wow it's been a minute but I'm back!! Missed me?
Sheesh In the last month there's been alot going on, last I left there was "friend" drama...well....not worth speaking on. But I have learned yet another lesson! Yes!.....Today's topic *looks around* RACE
I've decided that race is still a HUGE issue to some. I'm not speaking on racism(that may always be around)....
To what extent are you comfortable around different races? Many people have asked me why I didn't chose a HBCU well I feel the "real world" doesn't only consist of one race so why should my surroundings? I recommend a diverse college/university for anyone especially if their high school was not racially diverse.
When I attended one of my high schools,it was predominately white. There were some classes where I was the only black student and did I feel the pressure? Yes and No, sometimes I felt the need to defend my race and culture and that I did. Other times it wasn't an issue the color of our skin. Did I mention today is the 55th year anniversary of Rosa Parks arrest? I loved my school, but I detested the word minority....Some people held that word with to high profile and standard, I just looked at it as a classification that explained stereotypical behaviors. I'm all over the place with this,forgive me : )
I was speaking to someone today,on the 55th year anniversary if Rosa Parks arrest and we spoke on how uncomfortable she is around whites. I was shocked. I consider myself diverse, I have all races of good friends, and to think this person didn't complete something because she felt intimidated being the only black person in the room *gasps* What does that really say about an individual? How can someone successfully emerge in corporate America like that?
In some cases we learn that we, as in African Americans have to stick together,have to help our Sisters and love our Brothers...ok thats good and dandy on paper but to what extend do we allow ourselves to be closed minded with that.
Random misplaced thoughts...to be continued....oh and no spell check,dudes I'm tired
HAD TO SPEAK AGAIN....
Ok so I just came in from walmart and it was an annoying experience. While I'm in the 'burbs and don't expect everyone to be friendly I've never been stared down as much as today! These ladies(they weren't together) just seemed annoyed that "we"(as in Blacks,as in my step mom and I) were breathing their air. Normally when one individual is acting a little rude,giving me stares I walk it off. I mean even in 2010 everyone is not racially adjusted(that is a funny way to word it but hey....) I was stared down by then grown behind woman, we just KEPT running into each other, each time she would roll her eyes,or throw her item in her cart like she was upset!!..SERIOUSLY lady! So I just made a few remarks loudly,very big of me right? NO! I should not have let it bother me too much,but it did! Walking out of "wally world" I was so upset,mood change and all! After I voice WHY I was upset,I felt better,even as I'm writing this, there is this feeling that things are just not as "changed" as they seem. And you know what, I LEARNED AND NOW UNDERSTAND WHY...WHY SHE FELT THE WAY SHE DID!!!(reread the entire post)
But remember "NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION"
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Lets join hands in a circle!.....
http://www.myspacefunstuff.com/graphics/quotes/friendquote47.jpg There's few things I need other people for,growth is one of them. I do have maybe two best friends that are outside of my family. Many people I consider friends,close friends even but best friends are limited. Three of my best friends are my family members (my sister and two cousins).
Titles,my sister used to say once she gave someone a title they would do something to lose it. Now that's a person who can hold a grudge so once you mess up its over! I used to think why is she so hard on people? Don't she realize people will make mistakes,this was said to me in my teenage years. During that time I was just a clown,I hung out with whoever and close friends were many. As an adult,I realize she was right! Yes HEART you were right. If I would have continued to think that 'friends' are suppose to make mistakes,I would be like too many people with the tainted friends. Yesterday I was told I didnt play the right friendship role for a certain situation,after I ranted about that accusation, I laughed to myself. There's SO many people I've met over the years and we click but then something happens and their gone. Is this one of those situations?
I wouldn't call myself friendly,but I love meeting new people,there's certain people I stay away from, and that has yet to come back to bite me. That leads me to prejudge. Anyway I think people assist in the growth we experience. "No man is an Island" right? That's true but every friend isn't a true friend. Growth is constant however it could be rapid or slow. Watch those around you, they assist in your growth whether you realize it or not.
There's few things I need other people for,growth is one of them.
Dr.Mika doesn't like change,YUP but I welcome it,and changes in attitudes makes me take a few steps back, I mean this is only life.....I can't run yours,you cant run my thoughts.
I must say that I never question myself as a friend,I'm always there for whoever,even the stranger who handed me his cell phone because he was lost over the weekend *__*
*que sera sera*.....WE are the controllers of our destinies and YOU need to remember every action has a reaction...
Now how will I go about clearing up this mishap with my "friend" I'm going to give myself more time,maybe study for my exam,or take my quiz that's due by 2pm....but time heals all...even my ego *that is all*
Monday, October 18, 2010
"Why Do We Love,Love"
Theory: I seem to have a lot of answers when it comes to love, except my love life.
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT6N6IWR1E_KA7Xu_0qGfa_JLqPkkt1ZCI2ZeVLpGufUEMZ7p4&t=1&usg=__5Nq4HfyiF8faMVmwG6WYYHoigUs=
Relationships are nice, but when do you stay or go? Lets look at the good first. Having someone to call,someone who shares your interest, can finish your sentences,engage in meaningful conversation,someone who compliments your drive,make you laugh etc... Its beautiful, all the sweet things,but what about when that person makes you cry?,want to scream? has you not acting like...YOU.
When is enough,enough.
Most people say you(the person going through the situation/relationship) know when to walk away,when you've had enough. BUT what if your enough isn't healthy? What if him bringing you down isn't "enough",him lying,cheating,abusive in any aspect just has you trying harder to make things work.
Dr.Mika thinks..
Relationships take work,A LOT of work. The dynamics of any relationship is tainted or glorified by what we see and hear from others.
Love shouldn't hurt, love is a sacrifice.
Love has no monetary value, everything should be 50/50
Love doesn't walk away and come back when it feels like it,not if its REAL
Love takes time, it isn't forced, or rushed.
If you love someone it doesn't mean you have to stick around, the love they give may be venom when it gets to you
Just think...
What satisfies the love I need may not satisfy the love someone else needs and looks for.
"Just cause I love you, and you love me, It doesn't meant that we're meant to be"
Relationships are nice, but when do you stay or go? Lets look at the good first. Having someone to call,someone who shares your interest, can finish your sentences,engage in meaningful conversation,someone who compliments your drive,make you laugh etc... Its beautiful, all the sweet things,but what about when that person makes you cry?,want to scream? has you not acting like...YOU.
When is enough,enough.
Most people say you(the person going through the situation/relationship) know when to walk away,when you've had enough. BUT what if your enough isn't healthy? What if him bringing you down isn't "enough",him lying,cheating,abusive in any aspect just has you trying harder to make things work.
Dr.Mika thinks..
Relationships take work,A LOT of work. The dynamics of any relationship is tainted or glorified by what we see and hear from others.
Love shouldn't hurt, love is a sacrifice.
Love has no monetary value, everything should be 50/50
Love doesn't walk away and come back when it feels like it,not if its REAL
Love takes time, it isn't forced, or rushed.
If you love someone it doesn't mean you have to stick around, the love they give may be venom when it gets to you
Just think...
What satisfies the love I need may not satisfy the love someone else needs and looks for.
"Just cause I love you, and you love me, It doesn't meant that we're meant to be"
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hunger Pains
Theory: Food isn't the only thing I'm hungry for.
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRB3v9afZIJjUApAibYb8IR6Ilc_9z5qycG7AjChIlkI6oTYAs&t=1&usg=__Wg15SeKYQtx3kYXLXrYRZFkocVg=
I felt empty,my stomach wasn't full. Eating...for once wasn't a solution,after cooking my meal,I noticed I'm still not satisfied. My pains weren't due to lack of food,but lack of a fulfillment in other areas. Deep when I can distinguish how when my thought processes are not clear my body is affected. Ah the joys of being me. Knowing yourself enough to know the moment something is off... great right? I believe the strength people once possessed is gone,not completely but greatly. By a show of hands who's in touch with their inner emotions? (Think about it) How comfortable are you with who YOU are to acknowledge when your unhappy,feeling wonderful, or feeling that the world is against you? If we all were able to acknowledge our true emotions, Doctors like me wouldn't exist(Fact)
I welcome this feeling, of not being completely sure, but at the same time I address it QUICKLY. there is no maybe things will change, the world doesnt allow us to function that way. As Darwin says "survival of the fittest" so my fellow theorist, welcome unsure emotions,let them show to others as you deem fit. To yourself acknowledge ALL emotions,embrace all feelings....
“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”--Oscar Wilde
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRB3v9afZIJjUApAibYb8IR6Ilc_9z5qycG7AjChIlkI6oTYAs&t=1&usg=__Wg15SeKYQtx3kYXLXrYRZFkocVg=
I felt empty,my stomach wasn't full. Eating...for once wasn't a solution,after cooking my meal,I noticed I'm still not satisfied. My pains weren't due to lack of food,but lack of a fulfillment in other areas. Deep when I can distinguish how when my thought processes are not clear my body is affected. Ah the joys of being me. Knowing yourself enough to know the moment something is off... great right? I believe the strength people once possessed is gone,not completely but greatly. By a show of hands who's in touch with their inner emotions? (Think about it) How comfortable are you with who YOU are to acknowledge when your unhappy,feeling wonderful, or feeling that the world is against you? If we all were able to acknowledge our true emotions, Doctors like me wouldn't exist(Fact)
I welcome this feeling, of not being completely sure, but at the same time I address it QUICKLY. there is no maybe things will change, the world doesnt allow us to function that way. As Darwin says "survival of the fittest" so my fellow theorist, welcome unsure emotions,let them show to others as you deem fit. To yourself acknowledge ALL emotions,embrace all feelings....
“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”--Oscar Wilde
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tragic.
“Two things awe me most, the starry sky above me and the moral law within me.”--Immanuel Kant
Children are precious
I was home for the weekend and had a ball with my niece! She recently started school(2yrs old) and I can already see how its helping her develop. She's using words that shock me, and she says them clearly. Like 'pay attention' she had me going with that. I've watched two of my three nieces grow up closely from birth and I must say children are precious! Their jewels! How a parent can harm their child is painful to know. Their so innocent,they can't defend themselves. My nephew is 1 and is My old man. He's picking up on words and try to copy our sentences. My godson who's three knows his mother's phone number and was saying his shapes to me. This is stuff they weren't doing when I left a few weeks ago,(maybe the shapes) and even I notice this HUGE change.
Again;children are precious! They grow and learn at a fast pace. I can't wait to be a mother.(Well time wise I can,) but I am ready for the challenge, experience,etc. To me parenthood is wonderful.
While reading a book with my niece, a story broke on the news saying a motherand child was hit by a car. My heart broke. Her baby was 21months and didn't make it. The car kept going. her injuries were not severe. We all only have God to answer to and surely this person will have some explaining to do. As a parent to lose a child has to be hard(for lack of a better word),and my heart goes out to the parents and family.
I was home for the weekend and had a ball with my niece! She recently started school(2yrs old) and I can already see how its helping her develop. She's using words that shock me, and she says them clearly. Like 'pay attention' she had me going with that. I've watched two of my three nieces grow up closely from birth and I must say children are precious! Their jewels! How a parent can harm their child is painful to know. Their so innocent,they can't defend themselves. My nephew is 1 and is My old man. He's picking up on words and try to copy our sentences. My godson who's three knows his mother's phone number and was saying his shapes to me. This is stuff they weren't doing when I left a few weeks ago,(maybe the shapes) and even I notice this HUGE change.
Again;children are precious! They grow and learn at a fast pace. I can't wait to be a mother.(Well time wise I can,) but I am ready for the challenge, experience,etc. To me parenthood is wonderful.
While reading a book with my niece, a story broke on the news saying a motherand child was hit by a car. My heart broke. Her baby was 21months and didn't make it. The car kept going. her injuries were not severe. We all only have God to answer to and surely this person will have some explaining to do. As a parent to lose a child has to be hard(for lack of a better word),and my heart goes out to the parents and family.
No moral for this one: the driver sure has none...
Monday, September 27, 2010
Theory: huge difference between friends and family
There is a huge difference in the dynamics of family and friends. Family is forever. Blood is involved. We share more than any friend,even if its not acknowledged. It amazes me how after so much,my family is still number one. To say it amazes me extends to me taking more of their bs than anyone else. Things I've gone through with family,I wouldn't tolerate in a friendship. I was just talking to my best-friend who is also my blood cousin about how friends don't understand family. They don't understand how issues are resolved differently. If I'm arguing with family, we sort things off different than a person I'm 'cool' with. There's not that whole, you argued and can't be around each other anymore. Or if I say one thing then we square things out I'm two faced. Point is, it happens. Surely it does with siblings. In my family, there's always something. But I wouldn't trade then for the world! Not for a man, a friend, or money. It just doesn't work that way. Because when friends have been foul, my family has backed me. When times were ruff we stuck it out together. Its just that simple.
What's the thin line between loving them,and taking the UNNECESSARY bs? I'm still figuring it out. I don't mind too much not knowing. I can still fully achieve what I set out to do without losing an ounce of love for them.
Remy Ma said "My inner most,ya'll be the ones who sin the most"......I believe this is true, also the ones most forgiven : )
Moral : Don't worry...be happy : )
Thursday, September 23, 2010
You get the Buddy and the Booty--Brown SUgar
Theory : " In love, Love those who Love you back"
I'm happy with who I am,therefore I won't submit to the poor level of love {he} is attempting to give. Who said I have to be with him? I don't believe its written for us to be together. Love isn't forced. Love is timeless. For years this has been entertaining while we were friends the hints etc. Now its annoying having to put a title above your name. No I won't, I'm not a geek for love. If it don't work,it don't.
Can a guy and girl truly only be friends?
EVERY guy friend I've had at some point wanted more. (Unless they weren't into women) and with that comes annoyance. Does that mean they all can't handle no? All of them can,this guy just CAN'T. So I think I'm just going to do the 'grown up thing'(w/e that means) and just send him away...AGAIN! Oh this is what the millionth time he's been deleted off fb,bbm etc. I'm sure I'll direct him to read this, so when you(insert initials here) do, know that I have love for you, but we could never work, and if being with you is the only way to have you around, I guess you have to go. I enjoy our time together, but only as friends. After this I'm almost certain he'll just delete me. We're so grown up right?
Dr.Mika believes he's being kept around because I don't want to lose our friendship,but do I really need a friend who cuts off communication when he finds a gf? and throws a picture in my face(insert childish ways here) that had to be about the silliest thing he's done. Do I need a friend who wont even hear how the "changes" make me feel? He just believe that change is inevitable?
Moral to this story "Don't always share your fries, the person maybe greedy and keep coming back"-- that has NO relevance,but it flowed lol!
*takes serious face off*
Heyyyy to my semi circle of theorist : )
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Theory: when life gives you lemons, make chocolate chip pancakes- dr.mika
*semi-serious face*
The true saying is 'when life gives you lemons,make lemonade' well I don't like lemonade that much! I barely drink it however I do love chocolate chip pancakes. If the saying is true,then that means make the same thing everyone elses does out of the situation(yea I could take a different spin but I won't).Why would I make the same thing out of the same situation and get the same result as everyone else? why can't I make whatever I'm in the mood for?(which is almost always chocolate chip pancakes) follow the saying that goes "learn from your mistakes". This holds individual lessons which I think are more efficient in the whole learning aspect.
*semi-serious face*
The true saying is 'when life gives you lemons,make lemonade' well I don't like lemonade that much! I barely drink it however I do love chocolate chip pancakes. If the saying is true,then that means make the same thing everyone elses does out of the situation(yea I could take a different spin but I won't).Why would I make the same thing out of the same situation and get the same result as everyone else? why can't I make whatever I'm in the mood for?(which is almost always chocolate chip pancakes) follow the saying that goes "learn from your mistakes". This holds individual lessons which I think are more efficient in the whole learning aspect.
*moral, go for what you want,not what they say*
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