Something that has newly surfaced that has me feeling indifferent are emotions. We all have them but how many actually deal with them?. This post maybe long being as though I have a lot to say about this that I am unclear about. I won't touch everything I want to in this post, so more will follow soon enough.
In October of last year, I was in a car accident that left a man on a motorcycle dead. His life was ended the day mine, my two cousins and friend's life was spared. During the accident I was stuck in the car and had to be cut out. The man lay on the ground screaming derogatory things to my friend who was the driver. *Sidenote...My friend was found at fault but this is an area where a lot of accidents occur and thats another story*. As the man lay on the ground yelling, with people attempting to help him, one man asked what was my physical pain. Being cut out of a car, restrained, not being able to help my cousins who looked so lost and confused...all emotions I havent processed until recently. Watching my friend, who I just met less than a month ago look so lost, regretful, apologetic., and I could do nothing. I used my words, the only strength I had at that moment. I yelled back at him, cursed...let all of my frustrations out on him. Fast forward to the hospital and my friend's face, afraid, scared and again I could do nothing. I didnt allow them to do xrays...I wanted and needed to leave.
That night, I couldn't sleep, I think I was with my friend. Nights to follow I was with him, up late. Eventually I was check out and began treatment for physical therapy. During this time I encountered a doctor who allowed the fact that people are frauds to blur how he talked to and treated me. This man basically treated me as if I was faking injuries to get money. Never considering my character. I had to drop classes, and the biggest hurt I experienced was a time when I was playing with my niece tossing her in the air and had to stop due to back pain. As of late I've been told it is because of my weight (this doctor says) and referrred to a nutritionist. More than once I walked out of his office in tears. I was incapiable of daily activities and you say its because I'm "overweight", "fat" and do not meet the standards of the AMA?
During the past 8 months I've gained weight, and experienced signs of depression. Before 2 months ago, I'd never believe I was/am depressed, I was "happy" these so called friends think, but the one who mattered, he also didnt understand how I would complain some days about being tired and it was connected to staying up with him and trying to be there for him etc. In doing this, I never looked at myself and how I felt, or even my cousins. Until 2months ago, I didn't ask how they felt, do they think about it or if it has hurt them and in what ways.
In a nutshell, this has been trying, the images of the man, the flash backs of the event, the over eating, the doctor, my limited physical capabilities,my social obligations, and most importantly my EMOTIONS. Months, and I haven't COMPARTMENTALIZED! Months of build up and not talking about how I felt. Months of being offended silently when someone made comments regarding the accident or what I couldn't do, Months of the tears that only few people knew about and hiding. When you hide from your emotions, you hide from the truth and may unconsciously hinder yourself. All of this to say, that the Mika everyone depended on for support, BROKE DOWN.
After really taking all of this in, I spoke with my mentor. I let her know that I was confused and upset. I always deal with my emotions accordingly but this time I can't get that grip. I can not come down off the self induced emotionally unstable high. I can't. Or so I thought. So I've concluded that I am that work in progress, and the best fall down. But as I'm getting up I also notice.... A lot of people do nothing to permanently deal with their emotions, they are upset one minute then "get over it" without closure. And that is a silent killer, because when "getting over it" is not so easy....you fall hard, you fall and can not get up with the help of even your best friend. Some call it depression, I call it a learning experience like no other.
