According to my last dated post, I have not blogged in 2 years. That's a fairly long time I'd say. Today, blogging seemed like the best way for me to compartmentalize my life at the moment. (I know, how dare she return only to vent...) Here goes : )
In the two years that I haven't blogged, I became closer to becoming Dr. Mika, I received my BA in May of 2013, and I will complete my MA in May of 2015. Time flies when you're having fun. In the mist of all of this, I have become much more content with myself but there is one thing I can't get over...my lack of familial support!
I am the youngest girl of my Mom's 3 children and the youngest girl of my Dad's 4 children. The first to complete college, but man I would say I've done it pretty much solo. Has there ever been a semester where I was low on tuition and called my Mom or Dad to pick up the slack? HELL NO. Has there been times when I was low on food and I called my mom, dad or sister, yea a few. This is how much education is supported in my family...in high school, my mom used my graduation dress money to help bail my brother out of jail...awesome right? tsk tsk. My Dad began to tell me about the trust funds he wanted to establish for my younger brother, niece and nephew...all the while I was barely eating some days. This all makes sense right? Being as though my Dad comes and goes and makes no effort to have a relationship with me, it has always been my Mother, Brother and Sister. These three people, I've worked my ass off to make proud, but I'm learning that it's a never ending battle...except my ass is done fighting:
My mom....
When I first started college, she was sooo excited (bragging rights), so excited that she told me she wanted me to focus on school and not work. Sounds good? I mean since I've been working starting at 14, and by 18 I was making enough to help support the both of us. So ok, no more for Mika....Yea that lasted not even a few months. When I would call her to ask for money for food or such, she would tell me how I needed a job and how she had bills, well no shit because I use to help pay them. Since that was short lived, I learned that I needed to take out more loans AND find a job. Done and Done.
Once I did that, there was a different need my mom had, which was to put all of her emotional and financial stress on little ole me. That's right! My mom and I were best friends at one point, so how would my fears of being the first to go to college outweigh her constant need to complain to me? This lasted all 4...OK 5 years of college but towards the end I became so much better at ignoring phone calls and telling her how inconsiderate she was. Fast forward, and things are different. She no longer calls me with her financial issues because I no longer feel the need to be in college AND paying my mom's bills. I no longer wanted her emotional baggage. I no longer wanted to be thought of as the strongest person....But I also don't have the best friend I used to have nor do we speak as much.
My Brother....
This Gem of a broken man. Man, when I was younger, he was my hero, he was superman and no one could break our bond. Except for a lack of growth. After fathering 3 sons(one who passed away) and a daughter, he has not been able to show them, the great man deepppppp within him that I know. Having to help financially support his kids, him and I have fallen out numerous times, because he's a um...yea. My brother would sometimes tell me he was proud of me, that he's glad my niece has me to look up to,welp recently he told me to kill myself....Why? Because I mentioned that he was repeating the same cycle like our Father,(to which he said hes not my dad anyway) and that my niece and nephews were suffering.
Rewind, He told me to Kill. Myself....The same day my niece and I made a promise to be BFF's forever(yes she's so adrobs). The same day I felt trapped, and stressed and overwhelmed with how I was going to help my niece's mom who is doing the best she can. He told me to Kill.Myself, never knowing how many times I contemplated this, or that I had a history of self harm. What he really told me, was that the devil was trying me and seeing me succeed was eating him up (the devil I mean). What he really told me was that my niece made me promise to be BFF's and I had to keep that promise to her. What he really said was that Tamika, you are worthy of all things filled with love so girl KILL the noise of anything else. He words also told me that he is very sick and that it is beyond my control...Let go, Let God...
My Sister.....
This is by far the hardest one to write because I would hate to offend her, but that's just the thing...I wake up on too many occasions and put others feelings before mine. The day after my brother and I had the Kill yourself convo, she texted me to ask me What I did to my brother to make him text her( Idk what he mentioned to her) I snapped and shot back thanks for checking on me. She knows my history of self harm, and she also knows he told me to kill myself. Although I was laughing when I told her (in the heat of making a good comeback via text to him), I WISH she would have inquired more, because if she had, she would have listen to me cry. She would have heard about how overwhelmed I have been, and because when you have a history of self harm, there's so many things that makes it compelling when you are stressed. But she didn't. So I snapped.
I sometimes(or always) feel like I'm walking on egg shells in order to spare her feelings, (right now I have a knot in my tummy thinking about how she is going to get pissed), but eventhough she knows how unsupported I feel by others, she does nothing to pick up the slack. Whatever.
All of this to say, all my life, I have only wanted to make three people proud of me. My mom, my brother and my sister. In doing so, I allowed their needs to overshadow mine. I've become so engrossed in what I could give to them, I never showed them what I needed. But they never inquired either....My biggest support system comes from the network of friends I have made in college. They know more about me than the three people I've wanted to make proud. Because I needed to speak a new way of living into existence, I wrote this. I guess this is my letter to myself on what is really happening, what I really feel....and how despite the fact that I haven't blogged in 2 years, I haven't expressed my true feelings in 24 years.
Moral of the story: My love is too unconditional, to be thrown in my face...#peaceout
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Monday, August 20, 2012
RANDOM!!
This maybe my first random post! Currently I'm waiting Love and Hip Hop ATL and the commercial for Basketball Wives LA comes on and Im like GRRR! Why do I entertain these poor depictions of women? I mean I psychoanalyze them while I'm watching so does that make it better? No it doesn't but it helps. I mean I do not and will not ever live the lifestyles they live (men wise) but its just sad at times....LITERALLY it makes me feel sad for women who do not love themselves therefore allow men to show then tainted ways of loving as well.
The End...I'll continue this someday
The End...I'll continue this someday
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Oh Ghandi!
I love quotes! "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians, your Christians are unlike your Christ"--Ghandi
As a person who struggles with religion, this quote means a lot. I am going to ramble my thoughts and keep it short. Recently I've concluded that this rings so true for me. My interpretation personally means that the religion as a whole is something that I believe in but those who follow it change it. I am more spiritual than religious, I have faults but I have a personal relationship with God that could be much stronger. I do not attend church regularly. I have associates who are practicing Christians and some I can say are "not like your Christ" I understand that everyone Sins and have things they are working on but I also feel that as someone who holds Religion so high in their life they should not be doing exactly what I am doing and they should be setting better examples. Then there are those who criticize people who are not practicing their religion in a ways that is demeaning.
Why do I not practice religion? I was raised in Baptist church most of my life but I have yet to study the bible I used to go to bible study way back when I was too immature to take it serious. Now I just do not feel a connection to a religion probably because I have yet to learn it fully. I also do not believe in some things that become mainstream and leads to people being mean and hurtful to others for instance homosexuality. Then again its not the religion its the people who practice it, yes it is a sin but people take things into their own hands and that can be sinful as well.
that is all.
Ps. I looked into becoming a Rasta but I never really looked deep into it. I have looked generally into other religions but I guess the one I grew up with is my comfort zone.
As a person who struggles with religion, this quote means a lot. I am going to ramble my thoughts and keep it short. Recently I've concluded that this rings so true for me. My interpretation personally means that the religion as a whole is something that I believe in but those who follow it change it. I am more spiritual than religious, I have faults but I have a personal relationship with God that could be much stronger. I do not attend church regularly. I have associates who are practicing Christians and some I can say are "not like your Christ" I understand that everyone Sins and have things they are working on but I also feel that as someone who holds Religion so high in their life they should not be doing exactly what I am doing and they should be setting better examples. Then there are those who criticize people who are not practicing their religion in a ways that is demeaning.
Why do I not practice religion? I was raised in Baptist church most of my life but I have yet to study the bible I used to go to bible study way back when I was too immature to take it serious. Now I just do not feel a connection to a religion probably because I have yet to learn it fully. I also do not believe in some things that become mainstream and leads to people being mean and hurtful to others for instance homosexuality. Then again its not the religion its the people who practice it, yes it is a sin but people take things into their own hands and that can be sinful as well.
that is all.
Ps. I looked into becoming a Rasta but I never really looked deep into it. I have looked generally into other religions but I guess the one I grew up with is my comfort zone.
My Black...is BEAUTIFUL
Before I go on a tangent I want to overview what I want to discuss
I find that African Americans in power may sometimes exploit us as well. Everything is not a fight, but how you present yourself in situations. Are there senseless killing of young african american men? YES, Is there racial profiling put into the execution of the stop and frisk law? HELL YES. Are there feelings of helplessness in urban areas yes there is. I say individuals do not know themselves to say that people do not make themselves aware of their rights or how their actions look to the legal world but call the good Rev. Al and they have this woe is me need for help. I can say that the way people portray the urban areas is not always true, yes life is a bit harder but the fight people put into racism as a whole they can put into their individual selves to make the whole better. Injustices do happen, so does racism BUT character has a place in this as well
Racism does exist. I find that in older people it is a bit worst, they still have the sour tastes of everything that has happened. African Americans have a tendency to point the finger at others but our grandmothers/fathers and great grands had words with venom in them sometimes about other races. Is that ok? Is that not racism? Because slavery and discrimination was done TO us does that mean we can feel how we feel and act nasty TOwards them now? Have I experienced racism, from stares to derogatory comments yes I have, did I yell scream and call Al Sharpton no I did not. That's whats expected of me. And all but once I insisted on asking questions for clarification. That can be a scary tool because then comes the comments you either do not want to hear OR the apology/ regret. It happens, just like it happens to other races as well, by African Americans, Whites who ever. I find that more younger people are open to integration I do have a friend whose grandmother is racist, but that woman has never done or said anything to me. She's always polite and welcoming. I'm not sure why. I treat her with respect and in return she does the same. If my friend would have never told me, I would have never known. Our generation is growing up being taught by people who were taught by people on how to treat others in every way. Racism will always be around, it is in every single culture/race but the overuse in the African American culture scares me because it will not lead to a change
There is White America, African American then ME. America does little to impress me and I feel that African Americans are so lost in trying to keep up that the one thing that we use to have that I adore has been lost. Culture and Tradition. Last summer I spent time in Cameroon and Ethiopia and I was impressed and disappointed. They still hold their traditions but I can see it being lost in the near future with the Western Cultural influences. Yesterday I've concluded that Bob Marley means more to me than Oprah and Obama. To me they are American icons and Bob Marley is more. His sense of culture captivates me. His identity and self image was amazing. I never wanted to be Oprah, she is too Americanized (lol) Obama is a politician and my gosh I dislike politics. The point is that I rather stick to self awareness, personal growth, and learning things about my culture so that I can touch individuals and not people in the masses.
Ignorance is ignorance. It gets you no where if you identify that there is something that you do not know, learn it. (except if its american politics, that gets a pass) People are so ignorant to life that they have no clue on what they are apart of. For instance, being loud, cursing, body language, that is associated with a particular person take that into corporate american and you do not get hired is that racism? No it is not, Its the fact that your characteristics do not match what is needed. Being at a prodomitely white college I see this so much. People stare at Blacks when they behave a certain way, it is not racism, its because for one many people are not used to that behavior, and two its confusing. Why is someone in college behaving like that? You have to alter your behavior for where you are. That is NOT selling out, the way I behave when I'm with my family is not the way I would behave at work or in an interview. Treat life as such. If you talk the same with your bestfriends when your excited about something and use the same vocabulary in your office at a corporate/professional job let me know!
Lastly my pet peeves:
- Racism and who speaks of it
- Individuals who do not know themselves but in a group can scream racism
- Older and young generations and effects on racism
- White American, Black America and ME
- Ignorance vs. culture
- My pet peeves
I find that African Americans in power may sometimes exploit us as well. Everything is not a fight, but how you present yourself in situations. Are there senseless killing of young african american men? YES, Is there racial profiling put into the execution of the stop and frisk law? HELL YES. Are there feelings of helplessness in urban areas yes there is. I say individuals do not know themselves to say that people do not make themselves aware of their rights or how their actions look to the legal world but call the good Rev. Al and they have this woe is me need for help. I can say that the way people portray the urban areas is not always true, yes life is a bit harder but the fight people put into racism as a whole they can put into their individual selves to make the whole better. Injustices do happen, so does racism BUT character has a place in this as well
Racism does exist. I find that in older people it is a bit worst, they still have the sour tastes of everything that has happened. African Americans have a tendency to point the finger at others but our grandmothers/fathers and great grands had words with venom in them sometimes about other races. Is that ok? Is that not racism? Because slavery and discrimination was done TO us does that mean we can feel how we feel and act nasty TOwards them now? Have I experienced racism, from stares to derogatory comments yes I have, did I yell scream and call Al Sharpton no I did not. That's whats expected of me. And all but once I insisted on asking questions for clarification. That can be a scary tool because then comes the comments you either do not want to hear OR the apology/ regret. It happens, just like it happens to other races as well, by African Americans, Whites who ever. I find that more younger people are open to integration I do have a friend whose grandmother is racist, but that woman has never done or said anything to me. She's always polite and welcoming. I'm not sure why. I treat her with respect and in return she does the same. If my friend would have never told me, I would have never known. Our generation is growing up being taught by people who were taught by people on how to treat others in every way. Racism will always be around, it is in every single culture/race but the overuse in the African American culture scares me because it will not lead to a change
There is White America, African American then ME. America does little to impress me and I feel that African Americans are so lost in trying to keep up that the one thing that we use to have that I adore has been lost. Culture and Tradition. Last summer I spent time in Cameroon and Ethiopia and I was impressed and disappointed. They still hold their traditions but I can see it being lost in the near future with the Western Cultural influences. Yesterday I've concluded that Bob Marley means more to me than Oprah and Obama. To me they are American icons and Bob Marley is more. His sense of culture captivates me. His identity and self image was amazing. I never wanted to be Oprah, she is too Americanized (lol) Obama is a politician and my gosh I dislike politics. The point is that I rather stick to self awareness, personal growth, and learning things about my culture so that I can touch individuals and not people in the masses.
Ignorance is ignorance. It gets you no where if you identify that there is something that you do not know, learn it. (except if its american politics, that gets a pass) People are so ignorant to life that they have no clue on what they are apart of. For instance, being loud, cursing, body language, that is associated with a particular person take that into corporate american and you do not get hired is that racism? No it is not, Its the fact that your characteristics do not match what is needed. Being at a prodomitely white college I see this so much. People stare at Blacks when they behave a certain way, it is not racism, its because for one many people are not used to that behavior, and two its confusing. Why is someone in college behaving like that? You have to alter your behavior for where you are. That is NOT selling out, the way I behave when I'm with my family is not the way I would behave at work or in an interview. Treat life as such. If you talk the same with your bestfriends when your excited about something and use the same vocabulary in your office at a corporate/professional job let me know!
Lastly my pet peeves:
- People using the word Nigga and being loud, that word actually offends people who are not Black! So watch when you say it if you must
- People in college who still act as if they are on the streets of North Philly chilln. Uh excuse me but you are not and so STOP
- People who are scared to discuss race and scared to speak up about it, this white girl in my class was actually scared to make a comment on the topic of blacks (she actually said it)
- People in general who try to place the blame for their shortcomings on racial issues get it together its 2012 College is doable!
- Black females who have no sense of self and exploit themselves!
Friday, July 27, 2012
Breaking down my own words.
Sometimes you have to breakdown completely so that you can get back up and be whole again.
I posted this on my facebook and it got a few likes where as I wanted to compartmentalize this and really find my meaning. I think I came up with this myself, but it may have been a quote I seen somewhere. So here we go.
"Sometimes you have to break down completely"---
I'll look at "sometimes" "you" "breaking down" and "completely",
When I say SOMETIMES, I mean not always (duh right?), sometimes its better to fight and sometimes its better to give up (thats another quote). You can not always be strong, take it from me it destroys your mental. You should not always try to fight, everything is not meant to be a fight although things that come easy are not as fun. When you sometimes allow for mishaps to happen and not question, you can maintain a power so magnificent that everyone does not have it.
YOU I wanted to look at you because I have a host of bestfriends, sorority sisters, awesome parents AND a mentor. Imagine never having to figure out things on your own, I technically dont have to because I have a support system that is thick. Sometimes....it is hard to not talk its hard to just figure out things myself especially with my mentor around! This woman has taught me so much that I find myself running to her for everything! Within the last year I've realized that I can not do that because she is not me. Sometimes you have to work with what YOU come up with.
BREAKING DOWN what is a break down? oh a good cry! lol breaking down is losing control, I prefer to do this in private or with my mentor (smile). Breaking down is establishing the roots to whats going on and whats triggering the feelings your having. Emotions have a way of building walls around even our own thoughts....Breakdown.
COMPLETELY--- Let go of it all, completely don't cry and wipe tears, let them fall without being ashamed. I know, I know everyone does not let go by crying. Write, scream or pray but when you do it make a complete commitment to letting the truth surface and not being so afraid of your own emotions
NEXT-"So that you can get back up and be whole again" focus words will be "back up" "whole" and "again"
BACK UP when you get back up dont use anything to hold onto, use only yourself Imagine falling down the stairs usually you use the banister to pull yourself up again, try not to. Don't hold onto anything, makes it a bit harder and more mental. You use your mind to get back up and more than likely you wont be all the way on balance you may have to regain your balance BUT when you look at what you just did...you'll be amazed.
WHOLE--- whole does not mean you will be back to where you were you will however be intact feelings,emotions and mood. If you had a break down and still feel negative feelings you didnt break down enough. Being whole is the best feeling if you've made it through a breakdown.
"AGAIN kind of follows being whole, again is the positive feeling you had before the breakdown and the mishaps. Again can be the most important part of this. Again can come to be negative or positive only because it can be confused. Let again only mean the positive, if you get back up in order to be whole again, you should determine what again is before you breakdown.
I posted this on my facebook and it got a few likes where as I wanted to compartmentalize this and really find my meaning. I think I came up with this myself, but it may have been a quote I seen somewhere. So here we go.
"Sometimes you have to break down completely"---
I'll look at "sometimes" "you" "breaking down" and "completely",
When I say SOMETIMES, I mean not always (duh right?), sometimes its better to fight and sometimes its better to give up (thats another quote). You can not always be strong, take it from me it destroys your mental. You should not always try to fight, everything is not meant to be a fight although things that come easy are not as fun. When you sometimes allow for mishaps to happen and not question, you can maintain a power so magnificent that everyone does not have it.
YOU I wanted to look at you because I have a host of bestfriends, sorority sisters, awesome parents AND a mentor. Imagine never having to figure out things on your own, I technically dont have to because I have a support system that is thick. Sometimes....it is hard to not talk its hard to just figure out things myself especially with my mentor around! This woman has taught me so much that I find myself running to her for everything! Within the last year I've realized that I can not do that because she is not me. Sometimes you have to work with what YOU come up with.
BREAKING DOWN what is a break down? oh a good cry! lol breaking down is losing control, I prefer to do this in private or with my mentor (smile). Breaking down is establishing the roots to whats going on and whats triggering the feelings your having. Emotions have a way of building walls around even our own thoughts....Breakdown.
COMPLETELY--- Let go of it all, completely don't cry and wipe tears, let them fall without being ashamed. I know, I know everyone does not let go by crying. Write, scream or pray but when you do it make a complete commitment to letting the truth surface and not being so afraid of your own emotions
NEXT-"So that you can get back up and be whole again" focus words will be "back up" "whole" and "again"
BACK UP when you get back up dont use anything to hold onto, use only yourself Imagine falling down the stairs usually you use the banister to pull yourself up again, try not to. Don't hold onto anything, makes it a bit harder and more mental. You use your mind to get back up and more than likely you wont be all the way on balance you may have to regain your balance BUT when you look at what you just did...you'll be amazed.
WHOLE--- whole does not mean you will be back to where you were you will however be intact feelings,emotions and mood. If you had a break down and still feel negative feelings you didnt break down enough. Being whole is the best feeling if you've made it through a breakdown.
"AGAIN kind of follows being whole, again is the positive feeling you had before the breakdown and the mishaps. Again can be the most important part of this. Again can come to be negative or positive only because it can be confused. Let again only mean the positive, if you get back up in order to be whole again, you should determine what again is before you breakdown.
What is this? A man you say? Lie to me again...hmp
Yesterday I talked about the sadness of the African American woman's power and strength as she's chasing behind the African American man....lets not let them off the hook. The depiction of the black man changed with music and time, culture and tradition. One of the biggest portrayals on men in the media is in the form of music(besides criminal activity), in a Black household music has always been an outlet. Of course women are scantily clad and nothing to be proud of but I want to focus on men.
What happened to our Grandfathers? Our great Uncles? who balanced time at work and time spent with children. Who were our heros and the men who gave our mothers (especially mine) stories for days about how great they were? Not to say they were perfect, but they gave you a smile everytime. My grandfather passed when i was 6 and I promise I still remember his smile and demeanor. After him, and my paternal grandfather I do not believe I've met younger men who are cooler. My father is awesome but I can see where the mold started to break.
Males today once they have children if they care enough (my observation) are left to teach themselves how to be men with the absence of a man in their lives it is hard. I can say that my brother father of two is only doing what he knows, but my niece and nephew do not lack love I can say that. Let's think, I am talking about men raised by our mothers in the age ranging from 30 on down. This is at a time when the baby boom was ending in 1964(to my knowledge) and my mother was born that year. The 4th child out of 5 and all of them became single parents. Out of the 5 children came 19 children10 are males out of 10 only 4 are with out a record and 5 without children with the oldest being 32.
All of that was to process what I grew up with, these are the guys growing up without fathers(2had) and into the men females my age are dating. These are the guys females have to chose from to marry. I grew up in the city, that definitely has some weight, I've also lived in a suburban area where the males there only wanted to be like the city guys. What is wrong with all of this?
Who do you blame? The lack of fathers who were already losing the structures of men presented by our grandfathers, but then again, my grandfather was only close with one of his five children and was separated from my grandmother, my other one remarried. Ahh! I'm thinking it started there, Grandfathers losing sight and therefore our fathers slowing breaking the molds, our brothers completely ill equipt and the new generation wont have a chance.Unless : The strength, determination, and all the other good qualities of the Black man are reconstructed.
P.S.S
In every situation there are excepts, there are males being raised by men to carry on as men....but that's not what I've been exposed to.
P.S.S
I meant to make this a general finding, but I've personalized it because I can : ) It's always best to speak of what you know!
Check out the pics #yum!
What happened to our Grandfathers? Our great Uncles? who balanced time at work and time spent with children. Who were our heros and the men who gave our mothers (especially mine) stories for days about how great they were? Not to say they were perfect, but they gave you a smile everytime. My grandfather passed when i was 6 and I promise I still remember his smile and demeanor. After him, and my paternal grandfather I do not believe I've met younger men who are cooler. My father is awesome but I can see where the mold started to break.
Males today once they have children if they care enough (my observation) are left to teach themselves how to be men with the absence of a man in their lives it is hard. I can say that my brother father of two is only doing what he knows, but my niece and nephew do not lack love I can say that. Let's think, I am talking about men raised by our mothers in the age ranging from 30 on down. This is at a time when the baby boom was ending in 1964(to my knowledge) and my mother was born that year. The 4th child out of 5 and all of them became single parents. Out of the 5 children came 19 children10 are males out of 10 only 4 are with out a record and 5 without children with the oldest being 32.
All of that was to process what I grew up with, these are the guys growing up without fathers(2had) and into the men females my age are dating. These are the guys females have to chose from to marry. I grew up in the city, that definitely has some weight, I've also lived in a suburban area where the males there only wanted to be like the city guys. What is wrong with all of this?
Who do you blame? The lack of fathers who were already losing the structures of men presented by our grandfathers, but then again, my grandfather was only close with one of his five children and was separated from my grandmother, my other one remarried. Ahh! I'm thinking it started there, Grandfathers losing sight and therefore our fathers slowing breaking the molds, our brothers completely ill equipt and the new generation wont have a chance.Unless : The strength, determination, and all the other good qualities of the Black man are reconstructed.
P.S.S
In every situation there are excepts, there are males being raised by men to carry on as men....but that's not what I've been exposed to.
P.S.S
I meant to make this a general finding, but I've personalized it because I can : ) It's always best to speak of what you know!
Check out the pics #yum!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I'm confused by the world more than I understand it
So, this afternoon I'm sitting home eating my yummy lunch, chicken breast with bread crumbs and veggies and watching The Parkers....I had an epiphany (used wrong) How is it that the Parkers are more than 10 years old and we get the same depiction of African American women and the dysfunction they have with men in these new series Love and Hip Hop both Atlanta and New York. Now I do watch these shows and I scream and holler at how ridiculous these women can be but are these true depictions? YES, sometimes. Is it sad? Of Course!
I'm having trouble with the fact that positivity is being overshadowed by these behaviors, but why am I upset...these behaviors are not false. Maybe I'm unsure of why these are the mainstream shows? Are there no more Cosby families? But then again how much could I relate to the Cosbys growing up, In all honesty I couldn't my family was not that perfect lol! I'm just so confused. Talking to my mentor she asked me what has changed in the last 10 years, I responded the amount of Blacks getting an education(thats a different blog topic) then paused and had to think...ummm. Yes a lot has changed but what has been noticed? I can not relate to any of these women, I can not believe that the strength of black women has declined so much because it does take strength to overcome stereotypical behaviors, dysfunctional relationships and maintain positive outlooks on life. These women are so negative, Granted Nikki Parker had wonderful spirits, but she allowed herself to chase after a man who degraded her whenever he could. Quick story before I end this with one of my favorite poems, Every woman I looked up to growing up has been hurt by a man, I've seen them change in so many ways, and lose so much. Some still harbor negative feelings towards men, and some still hold on to the relationship. My point is that I see more hurt in Black relationships than love. Why is the title love and hip hop, is this love? this does not represent love, not as I see it.
Which makes me question exactly why I entertain this.....Now the poem : )
On August 15, 1999, at 11:55 p.m.,
while struggling with the reality
of being a human instead of a myth,
the strong black woman passed away.
Medical sources say she died of natural causes,
but those who knew her know she died
from being silent when she should have been screaming,
milling when she should have been raging,
from being sick and not wanting anyone to know
because her pain might inconvenience them.
She died from an overdose
of other people clinging to her
when she didn’t even have energy for herself.
She died from loving men who didn’t love themselves
and could only offer her a crippled reflection.
She died from raising children alone
and for not being able to do a complete job.
She died from the lies her grandmother
told her mother and her mother told her
about life, men & racism.
She died from being sexually abused as a child
and having to take that truth
everywhere she went every day of her life,
exchanging the humiliation for guilt and back again.
She died from being battered
by someone who claimed to love her
and she allowed the battering to go on
to show she loved him too.
She died from asphyxiation,
coughing up blood from secrets
she kept trying to burn away
instead of allowing herself
the kind of nervous breakdown she was entitled to,
but only white girls could afford.
She died from being responsible,
because she was the last rung on the ladder
and there was no one under her she could dump on.
The strong black woman is dead.
She died from the multiple births
of children she never really wanted
but was forced to have
by the strangling morality of those around her.
She died from being a mother at 15
and a grandmother at 30 and an ancestor at 45.
She died from being dragged down
and sat upon by UN-evolved women posing as sisters.
She died from pretending
the life she was living
was a Kodak moment instead of a 20th century,
post-slavery nightmare!
She died from tolerating Mr. Pitiful,
just to have a man and the house.
She died from lack of orgasms
because she never learned
what made her body happy
and no one took the time to teach her
and sometimes, when she found arms
that were tender, she died
because they belonged to the same gender.
She died from sacrificing herself
for everybody and everything
when what she really wanted to do
was be a singer, a dancer, or some magnificent other.
She died from lies of omission
because she didn’t want
to bring the black man down.
She died from race memories
of being snatched and raped
and snatched and sold and snatched
and bred and snatched and
whipped and snatched and worked to death.
She died from tributes
from her counterparts
who should have been matching
her efforts instead of
showering her with
dead words and empty songs.
She died from myths
that would not allow her
to show weakness without
being chastised by the lazy and hazy.
She died from hiding her real feelings
until they became hard
and bitter enough to invade
her womb and breasts like angry tumors.
She died from always lifting something
from heavy boxes to refrigerators.
The strong black woman is dead.
She died from the punishments
received from being honest
about life, racism & men.
She died from being called a bitch
for being verbal,
a dyke for being assertive
and a whore for picking her own lovers.
She died from never being enough
of what men wanted,
or being too much for the men she wanted.
She died from being too black
and died again for not being black enough.
She died from castration
every time somebody thought
of her as only a woman,
or treated her like less than a man.
She died from being misinformed
about her mind, her body
and the extent of her royal capabilities.
She died from knees pressed too close together
because respect was never part
of the foreplay that was being shoved at her.
She died from loneliness in birthing rooms
and aloneness in abortion centers.
She died of shock in courtrooms
where she sat, alone,
watching her children being legally lynched.
She died in bathrooms
with her veins busting open
with self-hatred and neglect.
She died in her mind,
fighting life racism, & men,
while her body was carted away
and stashed in a human warehouse
for the spiritually mutilated.
And sometimes when she refused to die,
when she just refused to give in
she was killed by the lethal images
of blonde hair, blue eyes and flat butts,
rejected by the O.J.’s, the Quincy’s, & the Poitiers.
Sometimes, she was stomped to death
by racism and sexism, executed
by hi-tech ignorance
while she carried the family in her belly,
the community on her head,
and the race on her back!
The strong silent, talking black woman is dead!
Or is she still alive and kicking?
I know I am still here.
Laini Mataka
I'm having trouble with the fact that positivity is being overshadowed by these behaviors, but why am I upset...these behaviors are not false. Maybe I'm unsure of why these are the mainstream shows? Are there no more Cosby families? But then again how much could I relate to the Cosbys growing up, In all honesty I couldn't my family was not that perfect lol! I'm just so confused. Talking to my mentor she asked me what has changed in the last 10 years, I responded the amount of Blacks getting an education(thats a different blog topic) then paused and had to think...ummm. Yes a lot has changed but what has been noticed? I can not relate to any of these women, I can not believe that the strength of black women has declined so much because it does take strength to overcome stereotypical behaviors, dysfunctional relationships and maintain positive outlooks on life. These women are so negative, Granted Nikki Parker had wonderful spirits, but she allowed herself to chase after a man who degraded her whenever he could. Quick story before I end this with one of my favorite poems, Every woman I looked up to growing up has been hurt by a man, I've seen them change in so many ways, and lose so much. Some still harbor negative feelings towards men, and some still hold on to the relationship. My point is that I see more hurt in Black relationships than love. Why is the title love and hip hop, is this love? this does not represent love, not as I see it.
Which makes me question exactly why I entertain this.....Now the poem : )
THE STRONG BLACK WOMAN IS DEAD
The Strong Black Woman is Dead…On August 15, 1999, at 11:55 p.m.,
while struggling with the reality
of being a human instead of a myth,
the strong black woman passed away.
Medical sources say she died of natural causes,
but those who knew her know she died
from being silent when she should have been screaming,
milling when she should have been raging,
from being sick and not wanting anyone to know
because her pain might inconvenience them.
She died from an overdose
of other people clinging to her
when she didn’t even have energy for herself.
She died from loving men who didn’t love themselves
and could only offer her a crippled reflection.
She died from raising children alone
and for not being able to do a complete job.
She died from the lies her grandmother
told her mother and her mother told her
about life, men & racism.
She died from being sexually abused as a child
and having to take that truth
everywhere she went every day of her life,
exchanging the humiliation for guilt and back again.
She died from being battered
by someone who claimed to love her
and she allowed the battering to go on
to show she loved him too.
She died from asphyxiation,
coughing up blood from secrets
she kept trying to burn away
instead of allowing herself
the kind of nervous breakdown she was entitled to,
but only white girls could afford.
She died from being responsible,
because she was the last rung on the ladder
and there was no one under her she could dump on.
The strong black woman is dead.
She died from the multiple births
of children she never really wanted
but was forced to have
by the strangling morality of those around her.
She died from being a mother at 15
and a grandmother at 30 and an ancestor at 45.
She died from being dragged down
and sat upon by UN-evolved women posing as sisters.
She died from pretending
the life she was living
was a Kodak moment instead of a 20th century,
post-slavery nightmare!
She died from tolerating Mr. Pitiful,
just to have a man and the house.
She died from lack of orgasms
because she never learned
what made her body happy
and no one took the time to teach her
and sometimes, when she found arms
that were tender, she died
because they belonged to the same gender.
She died from sacrificing herself
for everybody and everything
when what she really wanted to do
was be a singer, a dancer, or some magnificent other.
She died from lies of omission
because she didn’t want
to bring the black man down.
She died from race memories
of being snatched and raped
and snatched and sold and snatched
and bred and snatched and
whipped and snatched and worked to death.
She died from tributes
from her counterparts
who should have been matching
her efforts instead of
showering her with
dead words and empty songs.
She died from myths
that would not allow her
to show weakness without
being chastised by the lazy and hazy.
She died from hiding her real feelings
until they became hard
and bitter enough to invade
her womb and breasts like angry tumors.
She died from always lifting something
from heavy boxes to refrigerators.
The strong black woman is dead.
She died from the punishments
received from being honest
about life, racism & men.
She died from being called a bitch
for being verbal,
a dyke for being assertive
and a whore for picking her own lovers.
She died from never being enough
of what men wanted,
or being too much for the men she wanted.
She died from being too black
and died again for not being black enough.
She died from castration
every time somebody thought
of her as only a woman,
or treated her like less than a man.
She died from being misinformed
about her mind, her body
and the extent of her royal capabilities.
She died from knees pressed too close together
because respect was never part
of the foreplay that was being shoved at her.
She died from loneliness in birthing rooms
and aloneness in abortion centers.
She died of shock in courtrooms
where she sat, alone,
watching her children being legally lynched.
She died in bathrooms
with her veins busting open
with self-hatred and neglect.
She died in her mind,
fighting life racism, & men,
while her body was carted away
and stashed in a human warehouse
for the spiritually mutilated.
And sometimes when she refused to die,
when she just refused to give in
she was killed by the lethal images
of blonde hair, blue eyes and flat butts,
rejected by the O.J.’s, the Quincy’s, & the Poitiers.
Sometimes, she was stomped to death
by racism and sexism, executed
by hi-tech ignorance
while she carried the family in her belly,
the community on her head,
and the race on her back!
The strong silent, talking black woman is dead!
Or is she still alive and kicking?
I know I am still here.
Laini Mataka
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