According to my last dated post, I have not blogged in 2 years. That's a fairly long time I'd say. Today, blogging seemed like the best way for me to compartmentalize my life at the moment. (I know, how dare she return only to vent...) Here goes : )
In the two years that I haven't blogged, I became closer to becoming Dr. Mika, I received my BA in May of 2013, and I will complete my MA in May of 2015. Time flies when you're having fun. In the mist of all of this, I have become much more content with myself but there is one thing I can't get over...my lack of familial support!
I am the youngest girl of my Mom's 3 children and the youngest girl of my Dad's 4 children. The first to complete college, but man I would say I've done it pretty much solo. Has there ever been a semester where I was low on tuition and called my Mom or Dad to pick up the slack? HELL NO. Has there been times when I was low on food and I called my mom, dad or sister, yea a few. This is how much education is supported in my family...in high school, my mom used my graduation dress money to help bail my brother out of jail...awesome right? tsk tsk. My Dad began to tell me about the trust funds he wanted to establish for my younger brother, niece and nephew...all the while I was barely eating some days. This all makes sense right? Being as though my Dad comes and goes and makes no effort to have a relationship with me, it has always been my Mother, Brother and Sister. These three people, I've worked my ass off to make proud, but I'm learning that it's a never ending battle...except my ass is done fighting:
My mom....
When I first started college, she was sooo excited (bragging rights), so excited that she told me she wanted me to focus on school and not work. Sounds good? I mean since I've been working starting at 14, and by 18 I was making enough to help support the both of us. So ok, no more for Mika....Yea that lasted not even a few months. When I would call her to ask for money for food or such, she would tell me how I needed a job and how she had bills, well no shit because I use to help pay them. Since that was short lived, I learned that I needed to take out more loans AND find a job. Done and Done.
Once I did that, there was a different need my mom had, which was to put all of her emotional and financial stress on little ole me. That's right! My mom and I were best friends at one point, so how would my fears of being the first to go to college outweigh her constant need to complain to me? This lasted all 4...OK 5 years of college but towards the end I became so much better at ignoring phone calls and telling her how inconsiderate she was. Fast forward, and things are different. She no longer calls me with her financial issues because I no longer feel the need to be in college AND paying my mom's bills. I no longer wanted her emotional baggage. I no longer wanted to be thought of as the strongest person....But I also don't have the best friend I used to have nor do we speak as much.
My Brother....
This Gem of a broken man. Man, when I was younger, he was my hero, he was superman and no one could break our bond. Except for a lack of growth. After fathering 3 sons(one who passed away) and a daughter, he has not been able to show them, the great man deepppppp within him that I know. Having to help financially support his kids, him and I have fallen out numerous times, because he's a um...yea. My brother would sometimes tell me he was proud of me, that he's glad my niece has me to look up to,welp recently he told me to kill myself....Why? Because I mentioned that he was repeating the same cycle like our Father,(to which he said hes not my dad anyway) and that my niece and nephews were suffering.
Rewind, He told me to Kill. Myself....The same day my niece and I made a promise to be BFF's forever(yes she's so adrobs). The same day I felt trapped, and stressed and overwhelmed with how I was going to help my niece's mom who is doing the best she can. He told me to Kill.Myself, never knowing how many times I contemplated this, or that I had a history of self harm. What he really told me, was that the devil was trying me and seeing me succeed was eating him up (the devil I mean). What he really told me was that my niece made me promise to be BFF's and I had to keep that promise to her. What he really said was that Tamika, you are worthy of all things filled with love so girl KILL the noise of anything else. He words also told me that he is very sick and that it is beyond my control...Let go, Let God...
My Sister.....
This is by far the hardest one to write because I would hate to offend her, but that's just the thing...I wake up on too many occasions and put others feelings before mine. The day after my brother and I had the Kill yourself convo, she texted me to ask me What I did to my brother to make him text her( Idk what he mentioned to her) I snapped and shot back thanks for checking on me. She knows my history of self harm, and she also knows he told me to kill myself. Although I was laughing when I told her (in the heat of making a good comeback via text to him), I WISH she would have inquired more, because if she had, she would have listen to me cry. She would have heard about how overwhelmed I have been, and because when you have a history of self harm, there's so many things that makes it compelling when you are stressed. But she didn't. So I snapped.
I sometimes(or always) feel like I'm walking on egg shells in order to spare her feelings, (right now I have a knot in my tummy thinking about how she is going to get pissed), but eventhough she knows how unsupported I feel by others, she does nothing to pick up the slack. Whatever.
All of this to say, all my life, I have only wanted to make three people proud of me. My mom, my brother and my sister. In doing so, I allowed their needs to overshadow mine. I've become so engrossed in what I could give to them, I never showed them what I needed. But they never inquired either....My biggest support system comes from the network of friends I have made in college. They know more about me than the three people I've wanted to make proud. Because I needed to speak a new way of living into existence, I wrote this. I guess this is my letter to myself on what is really happening, what I really feel....and how despite the fact that I haven't blogged in 2 years, I haven't expressed my true feelings in 24 years.
Moral of the story: My love is too unconditional, to be thrown in my face...#peaceout
