Breaking down my own words.

Sometimes you have to breakdown completely so that you can get back up and be whole again.

I posted this on my facebook and it got a few likes where as I wanted to compartmentalize this and really find my meaning. I think I came up with this myself, but it may have been a quote I seen somewhere. So here we go.
"Sometimes you have to break down completely"---
I'll look at "sometimes" "you" "breaking down" and "completely",  
When I say SOMETIMES, I mean not always (duh right?), sometimes its better to fight and sometimes its better to give up (thats another quote).  You can not always be strong, take it from me it destroys your mental. You should not always try to fight, everything is not meant to be a fight although things that come easy are not as fun. When you sometimes allow for mishaps to happen and not question, you can maintain a power so magnificent that everyone does not have it.
 YOU I wanted to look at you because I have a host of bestfriends, sorority sisters, awesome parents AND a mentor. Imagine never having to figure out things on your own, I technically dont have to because I have a support system that is thick. Sometimes....it is hard to not talk its hard to just figure out things myself especially with my mentor around! This woman has taught me so much that I find myself running to her for everything! Within the last year I've realized that I can not do that because she is not me. Sometimes you have to work with what YOU come up with. 
 BREAKING DOWN what is a break down? oh a good cry! lol breaking down is losing control, I prefer to do this in private or with my mentor (smile). Breaking down is establishing the roots to whats going on and whats triggering the feelings your having. Emotions have a way of building walls around even our own thoughts....Breakdown.
COMPLETELY--- Let go of it all, completely don't cry and wipe tears, let them fall without being ashamed. I know, I know everyone does not let go by crying. Write, scream or pray but when you do it make a complete commitment to letting the truth surface and not being so afraid of your own emotions

NEXT-"So that you can get back up and be whole again" focus words will be "back up" "whole" and "again"

BACK UP when you get back up dont use anything to hold onto, use only yourself Imagine falling down the stairs usually you use the banister to pull yourself up again, try not to. Don't hold onto anything, makes it a bit harder and more mental. You use your mind to get back up and more than likely you wont be all the way on balance you may have to regain your balance BUT when you look at what you just did...you'll be amazed. 
WHOLE--- whole does not mean you will be back to where you were you will however be intact feelings,emotions and mood. If you had a break down and still feel negative feelings you didnt break down enough. Being whole is the best feeling if you've made it through a breakdown. 
"AGAIN kind of follows being whole, again is the positive feeling you had before the breakdown and the mishaps. Again can be the most important part of this. Again can come to be negative or positive only because it can be confused. Let again only mean the positive, if you get back up in order to be whole again, you should determine what again is before you breakdown.
 

What is this? A man you say? Lie to me again...hmp

Yesterday I talked about the sadness of the African American woman's power and strength as she's chasing behind the African American man....lets not let them off the hook. The depiction of the black man changed with music and time, culture and tradition. One of the biggest portrayals on men in the media is in the form of music(besides criminal activity), in a Black household music has always been an outlet. Of course women are scantily clad and nothing to be proud of but I want to focus on men.
What happened to our Grandfathers? Our great Uncles? who balanced time at work and time spent with children. Who were our heros and the men who gave our mothers (especially mine) stories for days about how great they were? Not to say they were perfect, but they gave you a smile everytime. My grandfather passed when i was 6 and I promise I still remember his smile and demeanor. After him, and my paternal grandfather I do not believe I've met younger men who are cooler. My father is awesome but I can see where the mold started to break.
 Males today once they have children if they care enough (my observation) are left to teach themselves how to be men with the absence of a man in their lives it is hard. I can say that my brother father of two is only doing what he knows, but my niece and nephew do not lack love I can say that. Let's think, I am talking about men raised by our mothers in the age ranging from 30 on down. This is at a time when the baby boom was ending in 1964(to my knowledge) and my mother was born that year. The 4th child out of 5 and all of them became single parents. Out of the 5 children came 19 children10 are males out of 10 only 4 are with out a record and 5 without children with the oldest being 32.
All of that was to process what I grew up with, these are the guys growing up without fathers(2had) and into the men females my age are dating. These are the guys females have to chose from to marry. I grew up in the city, that definitely has some weight, I've also lived in a suburban area where the males there only wanted to be like the city guys. What is wrong with all of this?
Who do you blame? The lack of fathers who were already losing the structures of men presented by our grandfathers, but then again, my grandfather was only close with one of his five children and was separated from my grandmother, my other one remarried. Ahh! I'm thinking it started there, Grandfathers losing sight and therefore our fathers slowing breaking the molds, our brothers completely ill equipt and the new generation wont have a chance.Unless : The strength, determination, and all the other good qualities of the Black man are reconstructed.

P.S.S
In every situation there are excepts, there are males being raised by men to carry on as men....but that's not what I've been exposed to.

P.S.S
I meant to make this a general finding, but I've personalized it because I can : ) It's always best to speak of what you know!

Check out the pics #yum!

I'm confused by the world more than I understand it

So, this afternoon I'm sitting home eating my yummy lunch, chicken breast with bread crumbs and veggies and watching The Parkers....I had an epiphany (used wrong) How is it that the Parkers are more than 10 years old and we get the same depiction of African American women and the dysfunction they have with men in these new series Love and Hip Hop both Atlanta and New York. Now I do watch these shows and I scream and holler at how ridiculous these women can be but are these true depictions? YES, sometimes. Is it sad? Of Course!

I'm having trouble with the fact that positivity is being overshadowed by these behaviors, but why am I upset...these behaviors are not false. Maybe I'm unsure of why these are the mainstream shows? Are there no more Cosby families? But then again how much could I relate to the Cosbys growing up, In all honesty I couldn't my family was not that perfect lol! I'm just so confused. Talking to my mentor she asked me what has changed in the last 10 years, I responded the amount of Blacks getting an education(thats a different blog topic) then paused and had to think...ummm. Yes a lot has changed but what has been noticed?   I can not relate to any of these women, I can not believe that the strength of black women has declined so much because it does take strength to overcome stereotypical behaviors, dysfunctional relationships and maintain positive outlooks on life. These women are so negative, Granted Nikki Parker had wonderful spirits, but she allowed herself to chase after a man who degraded her whenever he could. Quick story before I end this with one of my favorite poems, Every woman I looked up to growing up has been hurt by a man, I've seen them change in so many ways, and lose so much. Some still harbor negative feelings towards men, and some still hold on to the relationship. My point is that I see more hurt in Black relationships than love. Why is the title  love and hip hop, is this love? this does not represent love, not as I see it.
Which makes me question exactly why I entertain this.....Now the poem : )

THE STRONG BLACK WOMAN IS DEAD

The Strong Black Woman is Dead…
On August 15, 1999, at 11:55 p.m.,
while struggling with the reality
of being a human instead of a myth,
the strong black woman passed away.
Medical sources say she died of natural causes,
but those who knew her know she died
from being silent when she should have been screaming,
milling when she should have been raging,
from being sick and not wanting anyone to know
because her pain might inconvenience them.
She died from an overdose
of other people clinging to her
when she didn’t even have energy for herself.
She died from loving men who didn’t love themselves
and could only offer her a crippled reflection.
She died from raising children alone
and for not being able to do a complete job.
She died from the lies her grandmother
told her mother and her mother told her
about life, men & racism.
She died from being sexually abused as a child
and having to take that truth
everywhere she went every day of her life,
exchanging the humiliation for guilt and back again.
She died from being battered
by someone who claimed to love her
and she allowed the battering to go on
to show she loved him too.
She died from asphyxiation,
coughing up blood from secrets
she kept trying to burn away
instead of allowing herself
the kind of nervous breakdown she was entitled to,
but only white girls could afford.
She died from being responsible,
because she was the last rung on the ladder
and there was no one under her she could dump on.
The strong black woman is dead.
She died from the multiple births
of children she never really wanted
but was forced to have
by the strangling morality of those around her.
She died from being a mother at 15
and a grandmother at 30 and an ancestor at 45.
She died from being dragged down
and sat upon by UN-evolved women posing as sisters.
She died from pretending
the life she was living
was a Kodak moment instead of a 20th century,
post-slavery nightmare!
She died from tolerating Mr. Pitiful,
just to have a man and the house.
She died from lack of orgasms
because she never learned
what made her body happy
and no one took the time to teach her
and sometimes, when she found arms
that were tender, she died
because they belonged to the same gender.
She died from sacrificing herself
for everybody and everything
when what she really wanted to do
was be a singer, a dancer, or some magnificent other.
She died from lies of omission
because she didn’t want
to bring the black man down.
She died from race memories
of being snatched and raped
and snatched and sold and snatched
and bred and snatched and
whipped and snatched and worked to death.
She died from tributes
from her counterparts
who should have been matching
her efforts instead of
showering her with
dead words and empty songs.
She died from myths
that would not allow her
to show weakness without
being chastised by the lazy and hazy.
She died from hiding her real feelings
until they became hard
and bitter enough to invade
her womb and breasts like angry tumors.
She died from always lifting something
from heavy boxes to refrigerators.
The strong black woman is dead.
She died from the punishments
received from being honest
about life, racism & men.
She died from being called a bitch
for being verbal,
a dyke for being assertive
and a whore for picking her own lovers.
She died from never being enough
of what men wanted,
or being too much for the men she wanted.
She died from being too black
and died again for not being black enough.
She died from castration
every time somebody thought
of her as only a woman,
or treated her like less than a man.
She died from being misinformed
about her mind, her body
and the extent of her royal capabilities.
She died from knees pressed too close together
because respect was never part
of the foreplay that was being shoved at her.
She died from loneliness in birthing rooms
and aloneness in abortion centers.
She died of shock in courtrooms
where she sat, alone,
watching her children being legally lynched.
She died in bathrooms
with her veins busting open
with self-hatred and neglect.
She died in her mind,
fighting life racism, & men,
while her body was carted away
and stashed in a human warehouse
for the spiritually mutilated.
And sometimes when she refused to die,
when she just refused to give in
she was killed by the lethal images
of blonde hair, blue eyes and flat butts,
rejected by the O.J.’s, the Quincy’s, & the Poitiers.
Sometimes, she was stomped to death
by racism and sexism, executed
by hi-tech ignorance
while she carried the family in her belly,
the community on her head,
and the race on her back!
The strong silent, talking black woman is dead!
Or is she still alive and kicking?
I know I am still here.
Laini Mataka

Wisdom Does Not Always Come with Age

This morning I was conversing with an associate who is about 10 years older than me, I always find these conversations interesting because when we disagree her reasons are age, experience and wisdom in my case lack there of. The topic this morning was men. Disclaimer, when I find women with these ideologies, I associate it with bitterness and insecurity.After explaining something that was happening with a guy friend of mine she tells me :
1. To read Steve Harvey's book Think Like a Man
2. All men cheat
3.As long as it is not done in her face, then she does not care
4. I disagree with her because I am young, she is experienced and has wisdom...

 Crazy right? First, she suggested the book because it would help me to understand men better, I disagree, the movie simply had the women change their behaviors. I do not feel that I need to think like a man in order to get, or keep one. If I thought like a man then this becomes a game. Recently, after seeing the disasters of a relationship from two people very close to me, I've concluded that you MUST love a person the way THEY want/need to be loved....Love is specific not general. For instance, all women do not need to be housewives in order to keep a man, look a certain way, talk or behave a certain way. (My opinion) Anywho, the thought of following the rules of thinking like a man will leave a woman attracting the sameee type of men! Brings me to her second statement....

All men cheat well has she been with all men? I find that women attract men with similar characteristics and then make them the examples of all men...that is the most unrealistic thing ever. Just like if you find men who are from the same area, background, or into similar hobbies, they may be conditioned to exemplify similar behaviors. It's not that all men cheat, I think it goes back to loving a man the way he wants, most women say well I cook, clean and give it up daily...well is that what he wants? or needs? did you forget he was stressed, has emotions, needs a listening ear? Of course you did because you were so busy thinking like a man right?

Next, women accepting a man cheating because he does not bring it home and still respects her enough to keep it outside of the household (she also mentioned wrapping it up and not bringing babies home) Is this the best that it gets? He comes home at night, provides and its OK to dip off on his lunch break to get some? I do not believe he has an ounce of respect. Of course he does not bring it to the home front, it would be the biggest argument and he would chance losing his consistent female...I am disgusted that a woman, who is not even married(no it does not make it better) and could lose this man today or tomorrow to the next woman(although it would not be a total lost) is accepting of this behavior. Times have changed, when family dynamics were much stronger and harder to fold women did accept this, but at a time when men/women are not in that same mindset, why would you accept this?

Lastly she insulted yes insulted my intelligence due to my age. I would not say its because of lack of experience, everything mentioned above I would never be ok with. I have been cheated on once, and out of all the guys I dated(the number is not as high as it sounds lol) he was the one who was different from what I usually went for. I lack wisdom well some women in their 60's are just as naive as 13 year olds, yes a person who has learned from adversity, been around and LIVED the wisdom they have I can only hope i'll have someday but right now, I know I am wise in my choices and the way I behave(for the most part). I strongly dislike when anyone says that due to my age I can not understand something. I CHASE knowledge, and I pass on what I learn, I try to get as many views as I can, I love diversity and so forth, I can say when we just do not agree and leave it at that. Yes all of this has been tested recently but I understand now. To be quite honest, if  her views are the ones that seperate myself and wisdom then I am very thankful and blessed. : )
Although that sounds like I am insulting her, I am not. I understand WHY women have these ideologies, mine is just different.